Bride Price

 

Yes, I knew that my father was much more progressive than most Hmong men.  I didn’t know it while I was growing up but I later learned that my father broke with traditions with how he and my mother choose to raise their daughters.  My parents instilled traditional Hmong values in their children but they were progressive in all other ways.  Even with this knowledge, when I got married and my parents did not ask for a bride price, I have to say I was a little bit upset.  Quite upset actually.

I was going into this marriage with a college education, a car, a good job and $10,000 which I had saved up myself for my wedding.  By all accounts of what I had heard, my fiancé at that time should have paid at least $10,000 for me.  Okay, let’s take a step back.  I understand the traditional meaning for a bride price.  And yes, I understand that this made women seem like a commodity that could be bought and owned but in this day and age, it seemed to me that the bride price had come to symbolize something much different.  The more valuable you were as a woman, the more contribution you could make to your husband’s family, the more they were willing to ensure your love and care with a large dowry.  I mean I had a friend in college who was doing her residency when she got married and her husband paid $20,000 for her.   Girls with bachelor’s degree, those girl’s  in-laws were willing to insure their son’s offspring’s intellectual security by paying tens of thousands of dollars for girls with this level of education.

I had been a good, faithful Hmong daughter who turned down job offers in other states to return home to live with my parents after college.  I did not party nor did I date many men.  When my fiancé wanted to marry me I did not follow him home.  I honored my parents by having his family bring elders to ask for my hand.  I had friends and relatives who had daughters who were considered “bad” girls, they ditched school, dated, played, and disrespected their families and elders and those girl’s families were asking for an average bride price of $5,000.  What did that make me?  I could not help but feel like my father did not think I was worth anything.  As much as the elders pushed my parents to take a dowry (and there was history between the families in which my father and clan would have been in the right to punish my fiancé’s family), my parent’s refused.  I felt even more upset when the $10,000 I had saved was counted as assets my parents gave to me to start my new life.  Was I wrong for being upset?  

By Anonymous

The Hardest Decision I Have Ever Made

I was 18 years old and facing a decision that could have insurmountable consequences.   Something I never anticipate at this stage of my life.  I was a sophomore in college and living away from home.  I was pursing my life goal of higher education and building the foundation for the affluent life I had always dreamed of.  Additionally, I had embarked on my first relationship.  I adored my boyfriend.  He was loving, smart, ambitious, and almost done with college.  My life seemed perfect. 

You see, after spring break of 1992 I found out that I was pregnant.  I was confused and scared.  I talked to my boyfriend about what to do.  I sought counseling with a therapist and a pastor.  I weighed the pros and cons.  After crying for many days I decided that I was too young to care for a child. Ever since I was a young girl I dreamed of the type of mother I wanted to be to my future children.  If I had a child now I would never be able to give this the child the life I wanted for it.  My boyfriend did ask me to marry him but I knew that if we did so the chance I would complete college was very slim.  I was not disillusioned about what it would take to be a good Hmong daughter-in-law.  Ashamed of myself and fearful of the loss of face I would bring on my family I decided to terminate the pregnancy. 

Sometimes late at night I would imagine this tiny, little one inch fetus, walk through my door asking me why I took its life.  Why I denied it the chance to experience life.  I thought the feeling of being ashamed would end once the pregnancy was over but that was far from reality.  I felt even more guilt when people would rave about how good my parent’s daughters were.  I felt like such an imposter and fraud.  I hated myself for deceiving people.

The guilt and aftermath ultimately undermined my relationship and the educational goal I had for myself.  Although my boyfriend never stopped loving me, the wedge this event created was too great for us to overcome.  For him, I was no longer the pure, flawless and innocent girl he fell in love with.  For me, I could never look at him without being reminded of the decision I had made.  Unable to reconcile the emotional trauma, I ended the relationship.  Furthermore, I was on academic probation and was endangered of being kicked out of school.  I pushed away my friends and family.  I was lonely, damaged and broken. 

As time went on I feared I would have to spend the rest of my life alone and decided the solution was to never tell my secret to anyone and marry the next suitable man who would ask for my hand.  Not long after coming to this conclusion I was faced with the decision to marry an educated, kind man from a respectable and well known family.  It was at this point in time that I finally had to face all that was wrong in my life.  For the first time in years I had clarity.  For one, I realized that I should never do to someone else what I would not want to have done to me.  I could not deceive this wonderful man who wanted to love me and start a life with me about who I really was.  Secondly, how could anyone fully love me if I did not love myself?  Finally, I came to understand that my worth and value was not tied to a man and being married. 

Though I did not have the courage to reveal my secret to this man I did tell him that I did not love him and that he deserved to marry a woman who would love him for all his wonderful qualities.  This one act of honesty was my first step to recovery.  I started self reflecting, solidifying my values, being honest with my emotions, dealing with the pressures of the roles and responsibilities of being a Hmong woman, accepting people without judgment, coming to terms with my decision, and discontinuing self loathing.  Out of this dark time emerged a much stronger, more insightful, and compassionate human being. 

It took a great deal of time, much forgiving, choosing to be alone, and working with those who were less fortunate to really value the wonderful and amazing life that God had given me.  Bettering myself brought amazing people into my life and those people would eventually help shape me into the person I am today.

I eventually finished my graduate degree, married a successfully and loving Hmong man who accepts me for all of my flaws, built a successful career, and I have a beautiful family.  I speak to my children often about self worth, self respect, and striving to always learn and grow as a human being.  I teach them that there is no mistake worth throwing your life away for and no problem too great to share with your parents.  There is help and resources out there for everything and every situation.

It has now been 20 years since I made this decision and I still think about this unborn child.  What I don’t have any more is I no longer see this tiny fetus walking through the door asking for answers.  I have forgiven myself and accepted that I made the best decision I could at the time.  Looking back, I do not regret the decision that I made.  My life would have ended very differently had I decided to keep the baby.  I have learned that all of my experiences, good or bad, has made me a better person.  I have also learned that one experience does not define who we are but it is how we deal with the adversities in our life that builds our character and that I am thankful for.

Mentor of a Different Gender

One of our readers sent the following thoughts:

As a Hmong professional woman, I look to mentors to show me the ropes and to guide me as I aspire to create change in the world. However, as I look around I notice that all my mentors are women. I started to wonder, who are the men mentors in my life? The answer to my question: I do not have any Hmong men mentors in my life. The closet men mentors in my life are not Hmong, but even so, those men are not truly mentors, but colleagues. So I wonder, as Hmong women, can we have Hmong men as mentors (Hmong men who are not related to us)? As Hmong women, how do become mentors to Hmong men and boys? Are there perceptions of a mentoring relationship between a man and woman? If so, what are the perceptions of these relationships?

Attached is a link to an article by Robin Madell of The Glass Hammer that discusses the pros and cons of having a male or female mentor.

http://www.theglasshammer.com/news/2012/03/28/does-gender-matter-when-it-comes-to-your-mentor/ 

Struggling

I've been struggling with this for a while and I'm not sure how to address it anymore. I feel like I'm constantly "beating the dead horse," and I hope to gain a different perspective by sharing. I know that the definition of being a feminist and Hmong woman is different for everyone. I also know that with every new generation perspectives and the definition will change again.

What I am struggling with is living with a strong young Hmong woman who is very different from me, my nyab. My youngest brother and nyab married two years ago when he was 16 and she was 14. They were very young- everyone opposed their marriage but the men in both families agreed and proceeded with the wedding anyways. They started out like any young couple, very loving and attached to each other but eventually faced the reality of a marriage life. I immediately saw the changes in both their personality and marriage. Through their struggles, I gave emotional and mental support to my nyab. I did not have a relationship with her prior to their marriage so I'm getting to know her through all this. My brother, on the other hand, was an introvert and he distant himself from the family every time they come across a dip in their marriage therefore we just gave him his space.

My first impression of my nyab, she was very mature for her age. For a while I thought she was my brother's age when they married and found out later that she was much younger. Her looks and the persona she carried was very pleasing to my parents because she came from a modern yet traditional family. It all quickly changed, literally overnight, after a huge argument they had that almost led to a divorce. After my brother stormed off, my nyab said she wants a divorce and started packing her belongings. My dad and grandpa (both who agreed to the marriage and carried it out) told her she was too impatient and that a girl who wants to divorce her husband is shameful- she is a bad daughter for not thinking about her father's face. For the first time, she cried out and talked back asking them what they want her to do, she is tire of this marriage already. My grandpa continued with his lecture in front of the whole family as everyone stayed silent.

Seeing her in pain, I walked up to her and calmed her down. For the first time ever, I hugged her and told her not to leave yet and wait for my brother to return and they can talk this out. She cried even harder when I put my hand over her head and comfort her. After this incident, my dad and grandpa suddenly changed their attitude towards my brother and nyab. In addition, the dynamic in their relationship has changed. My nyab "wear the pants" in their marriage now and stays in their room more. She talks back to the elders and I've heard her complain about the family more. I realized they both bought a mini fridge for their room and rarely join the family for dinner. It has gotten to the point where I feel like they have distant themselves from our family.

My mom is a very strong supporter for them. She is not always around when these incidents happens but she always give advices and offer her support to my nyab. My mother and I realize early on that she is very young, indeed, and may not know how to navigate through the different identities she has. Though I was raised in a traditional Hmong household, my mother is a strong Hmong woman and through her love and guidance I've learned to be the woman I am today. I'm outspoken and independent, however, at the same time I know the cultural structure enough to compromise myself with it. We've given so much support for my nyab so she can feel empowered and have autonomy but it all seems to backfire.

As a feminist and Hmong woman, I understand that we all don't have the same views but we should support one another. My nyab is a high achiever, strong-minded, smart and bright young woman. However, the other day she commented that she is "sick and tire of my mom" with no particular reason. It hurts me because (1) it's my mom (2) my mom is one of the few smart and strong Hmong woman I know out there and (3) my mom is the sole supporter for their marriage. It breaks me that my nyab doesn't see it and does not appreciate all that my mother does for them.

I started to take note of these changes, I'm not simply picking on her but these small things have made a big impact on my family that I cannot ignore. I tried to understand and address this as best as I could. First, I thought about what we can do as a family- we don't have the best family dynamic but we all do make an effort to check-in with each other everyday. Secondly, I know she is young and is currently in high school- her friends and environment can influence her personality and character but that does not mean that she can behave as such towards her family (us). Third, we're all not perfect, I can understand when she's mad or agitated by someone for something but constant "smack talking" about someone is something I cannot and will not tolerate. I do not wish to change her, turn her into a feminist or anything, I just want her to understand that she is apart of the family now and you don't treat family members that way. I don't know if she realizes that it hurts me when she talks to me about my brother, dad or mom.

I've been thinking a lot and now I'm starting to ask, am I being too harsh for holding her against the standards of being a Hmong daughter-in-law while being a feminist myself? Is there a bigger picture I'm missing out on? Am I too emotionally invested?

By Anonymous

Inequality of Gender From Birth

Gap in equality of gender exists in many countries and cultures around the world.  In the Hmong culture, gender relations exist from the moment of birth.  Access to education is the key to economic progress for Hmong families regardless of which country they reside in.

This following was taken from a paper written by Peng Xuefang, “Sociocultural Perspectives on Gender Relations of the Hmong in Thailand”.

The Hmong gender relations and traditional culture are inseparable.  In Hmong traditional society, gender inequality begins at birth with the burial of the placenta. The burial of placentas signifies the distinction between the males and females.  Men are considered superior to women.  For a traditional Hmong woman, her value lies in being a good girl, a good wife, a good mother and mother-in-law, and a good grandmother.  To meet these demands, the traditional Hmong women are faced with many social requisites, including those from the family, clan, and village.  Meanwhile, the Hmong women have a limited voice in the affairs of their society outside of the responsibilities in the home, and consequently, limited power in decision-making.  The Hmong women’s disadvantage was often associated with their lack of education.  Hence, the best way to improve gender equality was to raise the women’s educational level.

“The status of women has been assessed by measures of economic security, educational opportunities, access to birth control and medical care, degree of self-determination, participation in public and political life, power to make decision in the family, and physical safety” (Wade and Tavris, 1999:18).  Since the traditional subsistence economy of the Hmong has undergone changes, factors such as education, information, new kinds of crops, and a strong engagement with the market economy have transformed the Hmong way of earning a living. The Hmong women are no longer restricted within the private sphere of family. They are now actively involved in business and play an important role in economic development. They also participate in decision-making in the family and community. 

However, the bargaining power of each woman varies because of different conditions.  For illiterate women, they might not think much about power, but rather emphasize traditional gender ideologies or moral norms concerning gender relations.  Their status has not changed much, since power and control remains mostly in their husbands' hands.  For educated younger women, their social status is undergoing a great change since they have brought home new concepts regarding gender roles.  It is apparent that women’s education and related income-earnings help improve gender equity. 

Although the Hmong have retained many aspects of their identity and culture, it is inevitable that changing gender roles may become points of conflict between the men and women, and between the generations.  However, the modern Hmong woman appears to be integrating, with some success, their choices and roles in many areas, including marriage, family, economic activities, and education.  At the same time they are gaining some power over decision-making within the family and community.  These changes are leading to greater gender equality for the Hmong.

I Wish...

What I wish for but will never have...a boy.

As an educated Hmong woman quickly approaching middle age my outward appearance seems to indicate that I have life figured out.  I am secure in myself, my identity and the life that I have created.  I have a loving and supportive Hmong husband who is intelligent, successful and handsome.  I have two lovely girls who are precocious, smart and beautiful.  So what’s the problem? 

The problem is that no matter how wonderful and fulfilling my life is there is always this little voice inside my head that tells me I have not fulfilled my duties as a Hmong wife.  I have not bore a son for my husband and his family to carry on their name.  This makes me feel like a failure.  Silly, right?  

I know intellectually that I my eggs do not determine gender yet emotionally, I carry the burden of not bearing a son.  Truth is, my husband is really progressive and he is the one who does not want more children.  He was perfectly content with having just our oldest daughter. 

We love our girls to death and never feel like our family is missing anything by not having a boy in the mix of it all.  This fact doesn’t make facing family and friends and their questions of when we are going to have a son any easier. 

I never want my girls to feel like I don’t value them but I will always have this little corner of my heart yearning for a son.  Maybe it's a misplaced yearning.  Maybe I want a boy for all the wrong reasons.  I wish I could reconcile those feelings in my heart.  I wish there was a way for me to have peace about this issue.  I wish…

Hmong Women: Princess Warriors, Community Achievers

Sometimes we need a little reminder.  Why?  Because we forget.  We all do.  We forget how amazing Hmong women are.  The following is a post dated June 16, 2009 from equalityquilt.org (blogging for Minnesota Women's Consortium) by Cecelia.  Hmong women truly are Princess warriors.

Last Thursday, June 11, I attended an event organized by Hmong Women Achieving Together. This event, titled Hmong Women's Role in the Shaping of the Hmong, was part of a Speaker Series "to highlight and promote the work, leadership, and contributions of Hmong women." I walked away from the event filled with a renewed admiration for Hmong women and their accomplishments (as well as a belly full of delicious food!). Keynote speaker Dr. MaiNa Lee honestly noted that yes, Hmong women have traditionally faced discrimination due to a patriarchal society. In a rich Laotian family where the sons were among the most educated in the country, the daughters were illiterate. However, this patriarchy is not inherent to Hmong culture but rather formed after conquest. Dr. Lee pointed out that in ancient Hmong society many practices were matrilineal and that both genders emerged at the same time in the Hmong creation story (so much for us women being some guy's rib!). Even in times of patriarchy, Hmong women always had a certain power. Dr. Lee told enthralling stories about princess warriors and powerful men who were only able to gain such power through marriage alliances. And now--flashfoward to the present. In Minnesota, the first Hmong to get elected to office was female, and 6 out of 10 Hmong students at the UofM are female. At this event I saw and met many strong and wonderful Hmong women. Before my very eyes I saw them working as negotiators, political brokers and community organizers: modern princess warriors. Hnub Tshiab Boardchair MayKao Hang put it beautifully by saying that although Hmong women have come far in terms of equity, many are still reconciling their role as pioneers with their family duties as daughters-in-law. There's still a long way to go.

Despite the cool fact that Twin Cities landscapes favor women in burial (c'mon, that's cool), it's important to remember it's not just the western influence that has allowed for Hmong women's recent success. As Dr. MaiNa Lee stated, "Hmong women's emerging power has deep roots in Hmong society, politically, economically and socially." Don't forget those princess warriors! One story specifically tells of an ancient kingdom that fell because leaders did not listen to a princess warrior. Before she was killed, she promised she would return when rocks sprout flowers. Dr. Lee clicked the powerpoint ahead. The next slide: a picture from a recent trip to Laos. A picture of a rock sprouting flowers. The princess warriors are back, and they're here to stay.

Link to the original post:   http://equalityquilt.typepad.com/equalityquilt/2009/06/hmong-women-princess-warriors-clever-negotiators-political-brokers-community-achievers.html