Mentor of a Different Gender

One of our readers sent the following thoughts:

As a Hmong professional woman, I look to mentors to show me the ropes and to guide me as I aspire to create change in the world. However, as I look around I notice that all my mentors are women. I started to wonder, who are the men mentors in my life? The answer to my question: I do not have any Hmong men mentors in my life. The closet men mentors in my life are not Hmong, but even so, those men are not truly mentors, but colleagues. So I wonder, as Hmong women, can we have Hmong men as mentors (Hmong men who are not related to us)? As Hmong women, how do become mentors to Hmong men and boys? Are there perceptions of a mentoring relationship between a man and woman? If so, what are the perceptions of these relationships?

Attached is a link to an article by Robin Madell of The Glass Hammer that discusses the pros and cons of having a male or female mentor.

http://www.theglasshammer.com/news/2012/03/28/does-gender-matter-when-it-comes-to-your-mentor/ 

Struggling

I've been struggling with this for a while and I'm not sure how to address it anymore. I feel like I'm constantly "beating the dead horse," and I hope to gain a different perspective by sharing. I know that the definition of being a feminist and Hmong woman is different for everyone. I also know that with every new generation perspectives and the definition will change again.

What I am struggling with is living with a strong young Hmong woman who is very different from me, my nyab. My youngest brother and nyab married two years ago when he was 16 and she was 14. They were very young- everyone opposed their marriage but the men in both families agreed and proceeded with the wedding anyways. They started out like any young couple, very loving and attached to each other but eventually faced the reality of a marriage life. I immediately saw the changes in both their personality and marriage. Through their struggles, I gave emotional and mental support to my nyab. I did not have a relationship with her prior to their marriage so I'm getting to know her through all this. My brother, on the other hand, was an introvert and he distant himself from the family every time they come across a dip in their marriage therefore we just gave him his space.

My first impression of my nyab, she was very mature for her age. For a while I thought she was my brother's age when they married and found out later that she was much younger. Her looks and the persona she carried was very pleasing to my parents because she came from a modern yet traditional family. It all quickly changed, literally overnight, after a huge argument they had that almost led to a divorce. After my brother stormed off, my nyab said she wants a divorce and started packing her belongings. My dad and grandpa (both who agreed to the marriage and carried it out) told her she was too impatient and that a girl who wants to divorce her husband is shameful- she is a bad daughter for not thinking about her father's face. For the first time, she cried out and talked back asking them what they want her to do, she is tire of this marriage already. My grandpa continued with his lecture in front of the whole family as everyone stayed silent.

Seeing her in pain, I walked up to her and calmed her down. For the first time ever, I hugged her and told her not to leave yet and wait for my brother to return and they can talk this out. She cried even harder when I put my hand over her head and comfort her. After this incident, my dad and grandpa suddenly changed their attitude towards my brother and nyab. In addition, the dynamic in their relationship has changed. My nyab "wear the pants" in their marriage now and stays in their room more. She talks back to the elders and I've heard her complain about the family more. I realized they both bought a mini fridge for their room and rarely join the family for dinner. It has gotten to the point where I feel like they have distant themselves from our family.

My mom is a very strong supporter for them. She is not always around when these incidents happens but she always give advices and offer her support to my nyab. My mother and I realize early on that she is very young, indeed, and may not know how to navigate through the different identities she has. Though I was raised in a traditional Hmong household, my mother is a strong Hmong woman and through her love and guidance I've learned to be the woman I am today. I'm outspoken and independent, however, at the same time I know the cultural structure enough to compromise myself with it. We've given so much support for my nyab so she can feel empowered and have autonomy but it all seems to backfire.

As a feminist and Hmong woman, I understand that we all don't have the same views but we should support one another. My nyab is a high achiever, strong-minded, smart and bright young woman. However, the other day she commented that she is "sick and tire of my mom" with no particular reason. It hurts me because (1) it's my mom (2) my mom is one of the few smart and strong Hmong woman I know out there and (3) my mom is the sole supporter for their marriage. It breaks me that my nyab doesn't see it and does not appreciate all that my mother does for them.

I started to take note of these changes, I'm not simply picking on her but these small things have made a big impact on my family that I cannot ignore. I tried to understand and address this as best as I could. First, I thought about what we can do as a family- we don't have the best family dynamic but we all do make an effort to check-in with each other everyday. Secondly, I know she is young and is currently in high school- her friends and environment can influence her personality and character but that does not mean that she can behave as such towards her family (us). Third, we're all not perfect, I can understand when she's mad or agitated by someone for something but constant "smack talking" about someone is something I cannot and will not tolerate. I do not wish to change her, turn her into a feminist or anything, I just want her to understand that she is apart of the family now and you don't treat family members that way. I don't know if she realizes that it hurts me when she talks to me about my brother, dad or mom.

I've been thinking a lot and now I'm starting to ask, am I being too harsh for holding her against the standards of being a Hmong daughter-in-law while being a feminist myself? Is there a bigger picture I'm missing out on? Am I too emotionally invested?

By Anonymous

Inequality of Gender From Birth

Gap in equality of gender exists in many countries and cultures around the world.  In the Hmong culture, gender relations exist from the moment of birth.  Access to education is the key to economic progress for Hmong families regardless of which country they reside in.

This following was taken from a paper written by Peng Xuefang, “Sociocultural Perspectives on Gender Relations of the Hmong in Thailand”.

The Hmong gender relations and traditional culture are inseparable.  In Hmong traditional society, gender inequality begins at birth with the burial of the placenta. The burial of placentas signifies the distinction between the males and females.  Men are considered superior to women.  For a traditional Hmong woman, her value lies in being a good girl, a good wife, a good mother and mother-in-law, and a good grandmother.  To meet these demands, the traditional Hmong women are faced with many social requisites, including those from the family, clan, and village.  Meanwhile, the Hmong women have a limited voice in the affairs of their society outside of the responsibilities in the home, and consequently, limited power in decision-making.  The Hmong women’s disadvantage was often associated with their lack of education.  Hence, the best way to improve gender equality was to raise the women’s educational level.

“The status of women has been assessed by measures of economic security, educational opportunities, access to birth control and medical care, degree of self-determination, participation in public and political life, power to make decision in the family, and physical safety” (Wade and Tavris, 1999:18).  Since the traditional subsistence economy of the Hmong has undergone changes, factors such as education, information, new kinds of crops, and a strong engagement with the market economy have transformed the Hmong way of earning a living. The Hmong women are no longer restricted within the private sphere of family. They are now actively involved in business and play an important role in economic development. They also participate in decision-making in the family and community. 

However, the bargaining power of each woman varies because of different conditions.  For illiterate women, they might not think much about power, but rather emphasize traditional gender ideologies or moral norms concerning gender relations.  Their status has not changed much, since power and control remains mostly in their husbands' hands.  For educated younger women, their social status is undergoing a great change since they have brought home new concepts regarding gender roles.  It is apparent that women’s education and related income-earnings help improve gender equity. 

Although the Hmong have retained many aspects of their identity and culture, it is inevitable that changing gender roles may become points of conflict between the men and women, and between the generations.  However, the modern Hmong woman appears to be integrating, with some success, their choices and roles in many areas, including marriage, family, economic activities, and education.  At the same time they are gaining some power over decision-making within the family and community.  These changes are leading to greater gender equality for the Hmong.

I Wish...

What I wish for but will never have...a boy.

As an educated Hmong woman quickly approaching middle age my outward appearance seems to indicate that I have life figured out.  I am secure in myself, my identity and the life that I have created.  I have a loving and supportive Hmong husband who is intelligent, successful and handsome.  I have two lovely girls who are precocious, smart and beautiful.  So what’s the problem? 

The problem is that no matter how wonderful and fulfilling my life is there is always this little voice inside my head that tells me I have not fulfilled my duties as a Hmong wife.  I have not bore a son for my husband and his family to carry on their name.  This makes me feel like a failure.  Silly, right?  

I know intellectually that I my eggs do not determine gender yet emotionally, I carry the burden of not bearing a son.  Truth is, my husband is really progressive and he is the one who does not want more children.  He was perfectly content with having just our oldest daughter. 

We love our girls to death and never feel like our family is missing anything by not having a boy in the mix of it all.  This fact doesn’t make facing family and friends and their questions of when we are going to have a son any easier. 

I never want my girls to feel like I don’t value them but I will always have this little corner of my heart yearning for a son.  Maybe it's a misplaced yearning.  Maybe I want a boy for all the wrong reasons.  I wish I could reconcile those feelings in my heart.  I wish there was a way for me to have peace about this issue.  I wish…

Hmong Women: Princess Warriors, Community Achievers

Sometimes we need a little reminder.  Why?  Because we forget.  We all do.  We forget how amazing Hmong women are.  The following is a post dated June 16, 2009 from equalityquilt.org (blogging for Minnesota Women's Consortium) by Cecelia.  Hmong women truly are Princess warriors.

Last Thursday, June 11, I attended an event organized by Hmong Women Achieving Together. This event, titled Hmong Women's Role in the Shaping of the Hmong, was part of a Speaker Series "to highlight and promote the work, leadership, and contributions of Hmong women." I walked away from the event filled with a renewed admiration for Hmong women and their accomplishments (as well as a belly full of delicious food!). Keynote speaker Dr. MaiNa Lee honestly noted that yes, Hmong women have traditionally faced discrimination due to a patriarchal society. In a rich Laotian family where the sons were among the most educated in the country, the daughters were illiterate. However, this patriarchy is not inherent to Hmong culture but rather formed after conquest. Dr. Lee pointed out that in ancient Hmong society many practices were matrilineal and that both genders emerged at the same time in the Hmong creation story (so much for us women being some guy's rib!). Even in times of patriarchy, Hmong women always had a certain power. Dr. Lee told enthralling stories about princess warriors and powerful men who were only able to gain such power through marriage alliances. And now--flashfoward to the present. In Minnesota, the first Hmong to get elected to office was female, and 6 out of 10 Hmong students at the UofM are female. At this event I saw and met many strong and wonderful Hmong women. Before my very eyes I saw them working as negotiators, political brokers and community organizers: modern princess warriors. Hnub Tshiab Boardchair MayKao Hang put it beautifully by saying that although Hmong women have come far in terms of equity, many are still reconciling their role as pioneers with their family duties as daughters-in-law. There's still a long way to go.

Despite the cool fact that Twin Cities landscapes favor women in burial (c'mon, that's cool), it's important to remember it's not just the western influence that has allowed for Hmong women's recent success. As Dr. MaiNa Lee stated, "Hmong women's emerging power has deep roots in Hmong society, politically, economically and socially." Don't forget those princess warriors! One story specifically tells of an ancient kingdom that fell because leaders did not listen to a princess warrior. Before she was killed, she promised she would return when rocks sprout flowers. Dr. Lee clicked the powerpoint ahead. The next slide: a picture from a recent trip to Laos. A picture of a rock sprouting flowers. The princess warriors are back, and they're here to stay.

Link to the original post:   http://equalityquilt.typepad.com/equalityquilt/2009/06/hmong-women-princess-warriors-clever-negotiators-political-brokers-community-achievers.html

Choosing Hmong Women

Dr. Pa Der Vang

For those who could not join us for the 2nd Annual Hnub Tshiab Luncheon, today's post is Dr. Pa Der's speech.  She was our last speaker of the event.  Thank you Pa Der for your service and commitment to Hnub Tshiab.

Today I will talk about choosing, and using that to inform our giving.

I have seen so many high achieving and influential Hmong women spring forth from this organization; the Hmong women who are all here today, women who change the community, Hmong women leaders, and Hmong women who are not here today. 

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Is there something about  Hmong Women Achieving Together that attract Hmong women who are movers and shakers to this organization, or does Hmong Women Achieving Together have a hand in the development of these strong women? 

People who demonstrate resilience and tenacity can consistently name a mentor or a role model who helped them along the way.

Hmong women achieving together: their mission, to be a catalyst for lasting cultural, institutional, and social change to improve the lives of Hmong women, speaks to this.  They serve as a support for Hmong women to do great things with their lives. They lift up Hmong women, they hold them there, and they let them shine. 

They choose Hmong women.

And I am here today, because I choose to work on behalf of Hmong women. Simply because few chose me as a Hmong daughter, a Hmong bride and divorcee, and a Hmong student.  What do I mean by this?

I met my future ex-husband at the age of 14 at a Hmong Graduation Party in Missoula Montana. His courtship, thereafter, took place via two years of correspondence, a story so familiar to women of our generation- with me in California, he in Washington State.

I had just turned 17 one summer when he drove across three states to visit me. He asked me to go home with him. I was uninformed and made naïve by cultural norms that told me, if you ask too many questions then you are stupid “phiaj noog dab tsi, cas yuav ruam ua luaj li.” And the notion of going home with an older man was normed by years of observing my aunts and cousins become teenage brides and mothers themselves. 

On this occasion, my parents did not choose to protect me from this early marriage.

At the age of 17 I was considered old enough to choose on my own- almost an old maid by Hmong standards. And so I became a bride that summer and an 18 year old mother a year later. 

However, at the age of 17 I was too young developmentally to understand what I was doing. I was still growing and would not be fully aware of the impact of my choices until later.

Six years into this marriage, I made the difficult decision to leave.

The marriage was built on a foundation of culturally reinforced patriarchy, notions that men hold power over women, women are voiceless and docile, women are only good for childrearing, cooking, cleaning house.

These strict gender roles were fully infused into this family and there was nothing I could do to change it.

I was not docile to say the least, I am a pretty bad cook, and I am a horrible housekeeper. And I knew that if I stayed in the marriage, I would struggle to complete my education due to the lack of support from my husband and his family, and my own birth family.

In the marriage I would eventually become someone I did not want to be. I wanted something different. 

At the age of 23, I chose myself. I chose me, as a Hmong women, I chose my education, I chose the life that I wanted, not something the culture or the family believed I was destined for.

As a young mother I continued to attend the university after my divorce. As a young mother and divorcee, this was not an easy task.  There were times when I had to leave my young son with people I hardly knew so that I could work or take a course exam. This was his life, being left with strangers so his mother could be away. But he is resilient. He is doing great. He is in college himself.

I’ve been a member of Hnub Tshiab since August 2000. Hnub Tshiab has been a pillar of support for me as I began my life in the Twin Cities 12 years ago.

After graduating from UW-Madison I moved to St. Paul because after my divorce, I lost all support from my family and my relatives. I was ostracized.  I was the first in my family to divorce, I was the black sheep. My brothers referred to me as “That’s my sister, she’s divorced” whenever they introduced me to anyone new. 

You see, this is the thing about Hmong divorcees, no one chooses them.

The community believes Hmong divorcees are lost souls with no home, no one to claim their bodies when they die, no one to send their souls into the afterworld, forever wandering and lost.

The community is ashamed of them. The community chooses not to be around them.

However, I believe this is the only way Hmong women actually become free- they are relieved of their obligations to the community- they become truly autonomous beings.

Hnub Tshiab chose to have me around, this divorcee, this Hmong woman.

I have spent a total of 12 years at the University. I funded my education through loans, scholarships, fellowships, assistantships, student employment, and a full time job.

I was not as lucky as my brothers whose educations were fully funded by my parents- loans my parents took out in their own names.

So you see, my parents did not choose me.

I am not resentful. I understand.  I love my parents and my family. I will always protect them.

It is normal for Hmong parents to choose to support their sons for many reasons; one being they believe sons will carry on the family name. A daughter, they believe, will only use her resources for her husband’s family.

In the face of these cultural traditions I believe I can make a difference for Hmong women and girls and so can you.

I am so glad to see all of you here today, to see that all of YOU have chosen Hmong women.

Of all the great philanthropic causes you could be supporting today, you have chosen to support Hnub Tshiab and Hmong women.

Thank you.

In Celebration of Women's History Month: Portraits of Hmong Women

Ms. Kou Vang

Ms. Christa Xiong

 In honor of Women's History Month, we are featuring a documentary by Ms. Kou Vang and Ms. Christa Xiong.   This documentary was supported by the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust, with seed funds from the Wisconsin Arts Boards and fiscal agent Hmong-American Women’s Association.

As Ms. Vang writes on her blog, “Portraits of Hmong Women” is a unique, photographic documentary that captures the stories of Hmong women in an exhibit created to build awareness, preserve history, break down the barriers of oppression and stereotypes and provide education.

There are diverse stories of 17 amazing Hmong women.  One of the featured Hmong women, May Houa Moua, writes:

Women today are extremely dynamic! Many women know what they want and are not afraid to go after it. Hmong women today are going places regardless of the barriers placed in front of them. They are becoming more educated and are not afraid to show their talents. I would like to see Hmong women continue to explore their possibilities and pass their ideas and knowledge to young girls and share them with other women.  I would like the Hmong culture to give recognition to Hmong women and girls for their hard work and undying effort in making a difference in the Hmong community as well as the larger community.

I’m a simple Hmong woman who believes in unity through the embracing of diversity. Anything is possible when you pour your heart and soul into whatever you are doing.”

Read her story and more.  Pass them on!

http://kouvang.wordpress.com/2011/03/18/hello-world/