Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in the blog posts are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Hnub Tshiab: Hmong Women Achieving Together.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I Wish...

What I wish for but will never have...a boy.
As an educated Hmong woman quickly approaching middle age my outward appearance seems to indicate that I have life figured out.  I am secure in myself, my identity and the life that I have created.  I have a loving and supportive Hmong husband who is intelligent, successful and handsome.  I have two lovely girls who are precocious, smart and beautiful.  So what’s the problem? 

The problem is that no matter how wonderful and fulfilling my life is there is always this little voice inside my head that tells me I have not fulfilled my duties as a Hmong wife.  I have not bore a son for my husband and his family to carry on their name.  This makes me feel like a failure.  Silly, right?  

I know intellectually that I my eggs do not determine gender yet emotionally, I carry the burden of not bearing a son.  Truth is, my husband is really progressive and he is the one who does not want more children.  He was perfectly content with having just our oldest daughter. 

We love our girls to death and never feel like our family is missing anything by not having a boy in the mix of it all.  This fact doesn’t make facing family and friends and their questions of when we are going to have a son any easier. 

I never want my girls to feel like I don’t value them but I will always have this little corner of my heart yearning for a son.  Maybe it's a misplaced yearning.  Maybe I want a boy for all the wrong reasons.  I wish I could reconcile those feelings in my heart.  I wish there was a way for me to have peace about this issue.  I wish…


  1. I am not a mother nor a wife therefore I may not fully understand your experience. However, I am a Hmong woman too and I feel your burden already. The pressure for bearing a son is strong, it has been and may be for a long time to come.

    I want to give you strength. It is ok to yearn for a son. And it is also ok that you don't have one. Don't feel guilty about either. There is nothing wrong about wanting a boy and there is also nothing wrong about not having one. Whatever it is that you want, do not let others' expectations influence your true feelings, happiness and family. Appreciate what you have now, for that is all yours. Don't spend too much energy and focus on something you have limited control over.

    Best wishes!

    1. Wise words from someone so young. Inspiring words.

  2. If you are willing to concede to the fact that your husband no longer wants to have children then shouldn't he be able to do the same for you. If you truly yearn for another child, in the hopes it will be a son, why not go for it? You should discuss your concerns with your husband to see if he will grant you this wish? Unless there are other factors that make it impossible (i.e. health concerns, finances, etc.) I have two girls and one boy. I love the experiences I share with my son. I love teaching him and watching him become a Hmong man I can be proud of. My life would still be complete without a son but I wouldn’t have been better for it. Having one of each takes motherhood to a different level, a 360 or full circle, so to speak. This organization, as much as it is a pathway for our daughters it can also be so for our sons. If you continue to think about it then you definitely should talk to your husband.

  3. I am a new mother to a beautiful baby girl and I do agree that in the hmong community, the pressure to have a son is sometimes too heavy to carry. People and my husband himself has made small hints about having a boy. I have a sister in law who was pregnant with a baby girl also and when the ultrasound tech told her she was having a girl, she reacted in disbelief and made them check her not once but three more times on the gender of her child. I on the other think different. I do feel the pressure, but I don't let it get to me because this is what I was meant to have. I will accept whatever I have and love her or him. There comes a time gender should not matter and this is one of them. This is beyond everyones control. And a girl can carry the name of the family as much as a boy can. I am a women who is married but I will always have my familys blood in me. And I know where I came from.