|What I wish for but will never have...a boy.|
Thursday, April 19, 2012
As an educated Hmong woman quickly approaching middle age my outward appearance seems to indicate that I have life figured out. I am secure in myself, my identity and the life that I have created. I have a loving and supportive Hmong husband who is intelligent, successful and handsome. I have two lovely girls who are precocious, smart and beautiful. So what’s the problem?
The problem is that no matter how wonderful and fulfilling my life is there is always this little voice inside my head that tells me I have not fulfilled my duties as a Hmong wife. I have not bore a son for my husband and his family to carry on their name. This makes me feel like a failure. Silly, right?
I know intellectually that I my eggs do not determine gender yet emotionally, I carry the burden of not bearing a son. Truth is, my husband is really progressive and he is the one who does not want more children. He was perfectly content with having just our oldest daughter.
We love our girls to death and never feel like our family is missing anything by not having a boy in the mix of it all. This fact doesn’t make facing family and friends and their questions of when we are going to have a son any easier.
I never want my girls to feel like I don’t value them but I will always have this little corner of my heart yearning for a son. Maybe it's a misplaced yearning. Maybe I want a boy for all the wrong reasons. I wish I could reconcile those feelings in my heart. I wish there was a way for me to have peace about this issue. I wish…