Are you having a boy or a girl?

As a Hmong woman, this incident was so normal that I didn’t think to share it at all but when I shared it with my non-Hmong friends it completely shocked them. Since we have many non-Hmong readers I thought I would share this very ordinary encounter.

I was at my nephew’s birthday party when my sister’s mother-in-law asked me whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told her we’ll find out in a few weeks. I already have two daughters so she told me that if this baby wasn’t a boy, there are Hmong herbs I can take to guarantee a boy the next time around. I told her this was going to be the last baby, whether it’s a boy or a girl. She said, “If you don’t have a boy your husband will go marry a second wife”. Statements like these don’t personally bother me so I simply said, “That’s fine” and ended the conversation.

My non-Hmong friends asked me if it was even possible for a Hmong man to marry a second wife. Yes, it is.

Rather than educate the mother-in-law on the scientific details of how the sex of the baby is determined or argue with her (at my nephew’s 6 year birthday party) I chose to ignore her statement and show her that the possibility of having another baby girl or my husband marrying a second wife does not intimidate me. To women who may not be so confident, it’s a reason for them to keep having babies until they have a boy or to be open to the idea of their husband marrying a second wife.

Hmong women can be the harshest critics of Hmong women. This is just the way we were brought up. I try to catch my sisters, my friends, and myself when I resort to these types of statements but it takes an enormous amount of awareness to catch these statements-they’re so ingrained in us. If we tried a little harder to avoid degrading statements that put down our self-worth, we can all take a step closer to empowering ourselves and our fellow Hmong sisters.  

Mai Vang

Letter to My Younger Self

January 2013

Dear Destiny, my Younger Self,

I want to tell you how great of a person you’ve become.  GREAT, meaning how you’ve grown personally, professionally and emotionally.

I remember the time when all that mattered was friends, clothes and money.  Friends whose opinions changed your actions, clothes that defined who you were and working to only buy what you want and not necessarily what you needed.  Family was a means to shelter and not a means for love and support.  Education was where you excelled but not a place for strengthening your mind but as a place for you to build friendships and relationships that didn’t last.  At the same time, you were strong where no one was able to break you.  You are smart ad honest and had no problem sharing your honesty.  Your biggest advocates, your parents—even though you didn’t realize it at the time, had shaped you to become a woman who is loving, caring, passionate, stronger than ever and resilient in all things.

Because of your strength and resilience you experience the gift of life with grace and the experience of death with insight giving yourself and siblings the power to move forward.

Because of your sincerity you bring to your family the value of honoring one another and accepting others for who they are and not what people think or want them to be.

Because of your passion for life you create an energy that exudes positivity and empowerment.  Your words of courage gives others hope and a viewpoint that allows them to explore opportunities not just options. 

While sometimes you are too hard on yourself, your “can do” attitude keeps you driven.  Furthermore it helps you push people outside of their comfort zone to create a greater understanding and awareness of the unknown and possibilities.

All the bad, horrible, ugly and great, beautiful things that have and will happen in life will only make things more challenging and yet better.  But as always, you are ready for a challenge and ready to fight.  Remember its okay to cry the tears of pain but celebrate the achievements of yourself and others.

As you continue to grow and learn about yourself know that discovery never ends and with all said and done—at the end of the day it’s YOU that makes the difference in who you become.  Learning comes in all shapes and size from old to young and vice versa. If at any time you begin to doubt yourself, feel free to call me to put you in check

Your Older Self, Destiny Xiong.

WHEN WILL MISCONCEPTIONS OF HMONG/HMONG AMERICAN WOMEN STOP BEING PERPETUATED?

Sophia Vue Lo

I am reading the book Committed, thinking it was just another book by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love). This book is a follow up to the author's real life journey to finding love in this world.

Initially the book reads just like the usual romance novel about every women's search to know thyself better. Then things turn in the book when she comes across a small group of Hmong women who live in the high mountains of Southeast Asia. She is curious by the marriage system in their culture, and spends time talking to this remote tribe of people, hoping to learn more about what it means to be a "married Hmong women."

And this was her simple conclusion; "I would not trade lives with those [Hmong] women."

How does this author have the audacity to make such a statement about an entire group of people that she barely knew anything about or fully understand? The author clearly did not appreciate my people and our vast, enriching and complex lives.

By Sophia Vue Lo

Doing What I am Suppose to with the Help of Hnub Tshiab's Hmong Women's Leadership Institute (HWLI)

 

Before joining HWAT I was a stay at home mom for 6 years. I stayed home because my husband and I had our first child.  Our child had special health care needs and disability with the diagnosis of Trisomy 13. This led me down a path of many self struggles and eventually leading me off the track of whom and how I really was. I lost all confidence in myself.

In 2010, my husband I had our fourth child.  He was diagnosed with Anencephaly, another genetic disorder.  There was nothing in the world we could have done to prevent it as it occurs randomly and can happen to anyone. Having been shunned by everyone for many years for having special needs children I had no confidence in myself nor believed this cause would lead me anywhere.  After his birth and passing I knew I had to do something about special needs and disabilities in the Hmong community.  

Honestly, I was hesitant to join HWAT because I felt as though I was not good enough to sit next to prestigious Hmong women. I then learned that we are all ordinary Hmong women fighting our own battles whiles being prestigious in our own ways. With the help of HWAT I gained the strength I needed to believe in myself. I gain the support of my Hmong women peers which gave me the boost I desperately needed. I was able to identify my identity within my Hmong community as well as my main stream community. 

All in all, I would not be here crusading my cause and awareness of special needs and disability in my community without HAWT. Although, it is just me fighting this cause at the moment, it feels as though I am not alone because I have the support of many Hmong women standing behind me, supporting and believing in me.

Thank you for letting me share my story. Please help spread this cause to families and friends that may need it. I have been working hard. I was able to get Senator Hoffman to believe in this cause.  Special Thanks Hnub Tshiab for giving me that kick in the butt to do what I am doing now.

PaNyia Yang Vang.

Application to Date?

The HWAT blog post from 10/30/12 reminded me of something I created for suitors for my daughter. I told my daughter that she could start dating at 15 years of age and now that she has reached that age, we are terrified. My coworker found an application for a boyfriend online and my daughter gave it to a boy who wanted to date her.  He was brave enough to fill out the application. 

For laughs, I actually wrote this letter in response but did not have the heart to give it to him. My daughters are so valuable to me that I will not require a bride price when either of them get married. If I had to decide on a bride price for my daughter, it would be close to something like this. Enjoy – please remember this is for laughs so read it light heartedly.

Thank you for your application for permission to date my daughter. Your application has been DENIED.

• We will not keep your application in our files.
• Please feel free to re-apply after you have met the following criteria:
• Graduated from an accredited institution with a bachelor’s degree and a GPA of 3.7 or better
• Graduated from an accredited institution in a respectable field
• Generating an annual income of $75,000 or more in a job that is not illegal
• Are in generally good health (please provide form from doctor)
• Have gained a deep respect for your mother and sisters

If you are traditional Hmong we would require a bride-price for the following expenses:

• Grade school activities                       $ 10,000
• Camps and fun activities                    $   5,000
• Braces for her perfect smile               $   6,000
• Ivy league college education              $200,000 

                                                                     $221,000

If you have any questions regarding the application process or your DENIAL status, don’t contact us. Thank you and best of luck to you.

Bride Price

 

Yes, I knew that my father was much more progressive than most Hmong men.  I didn’t know it while I was growing up but I later learned that my father broke with traditions with how he and my mother choose to raise their daughters.  My parents instilled traditional Hmong values in their children but they were progressive in all other ways.  Even with this knowledge, when I got married and my parents did not ask for a bride price, I have to say I was a little bit upset.  Quite upset actually.

I was going into this marriage with a college education, a car, a good job and $10,000 which I had saved up myself for my wedding.  By all accounts of what I had heard, my fiancé at that time should have paid at least $10,000 for me.  Okay, let’s take a step back.  I understand the traditional meaning for a bride price.  And yes, I understand that this made women seem like a commodity that could be bought and owned but in this day and age, it seemed to me that the bride price had come to symbolize something much different.  The more valuable you were as a woman, the more contribution you could make to your husband’s family, the more they were willing to ensure your love and care with a large dowry.  I mean I had a friend in college who was doing her residency when she got married and her husband paid $20,000 for her.   Girls with bachelor’s degree, those girl’s  in-laws were willing to insure their son’s offspring’s intellectual security by paying tens of thousands of dollars for girls with this level of education.

I had been a good, faithful Hmong daughter who turned down job offers in other states to return home to live with my parents after college.  I did not party nor did I date many men.  When my fiancé wanted to marry me I did not follow him home.  I honored my parents by having his family bring elders to ask for my hand.  I had friends and relatives who had daughters who were considered “bad” girls, they ditched school, dated, played, and disrespected their families and elders and those girl’s families were asking for an average bride price of $5,000.  What did that make me?  I could not help but feel like my father did not think I was worth anything.  As much as the elders pushed my parents to take a dowry (and there was history between the families in which my father and clan would have been in the right to punish my fiancé’s family), my parent’s refused.  I felt even more upset when the $10,000 I had saved was counted as assets my parents gave to me to start my new life.  Was I wrong for being upset?  

By Anonymous

The Hardest Decision I Have Ever Made

I was 18 years old and facing a decision that could have insurmountable consequences.   Something I never anticipate at this stage of my life.  I was a sophomore in college and living away from home.  I was pursing my life goal of higher education and building the foundation for the affluent life I had always dreamed of.  Additionally, I had embarked on my first relationship.  I adored my boyfriend.  He was loving, smart, ambitious, and almost done with college.  My life seemed perfect. 

You see, after spring break of 1992 I found out that I was pregnant.  I was confused and scared.  I talked to my boyfriend about what to do.  I sought counseling with a therapist and a pastor.  I weighed the pros and cons.  After crying for many days I decided that I was too young to care for a child. Ever since I was a young girl I dreamed of the type of mother I wanted to be to my future children.  If I had a child now I would never be able to give this the child the life I wanted for it.  My boyfriend did ask me to marry him but I knew that if we did so the chance I would complete college was very slim.  I was not disillusioned about what it would take to be a good Hmong daughter-in-law.  Ashamed of myself and fearful of the loss of face I would bring on my family I decided to terminate the pregnancy. 

Sometimes late at night I would imagine this tiny, little one inch fetus, walk through my door asking me why I took its life.  Why I denied it the chance to experience life.  I thought the feeling of being ashamed would end once the pregnancy was over but that was far from reality.  I felt even more guilt when people would rave about how good my parent’s daughters were.  I felt like such an imposter and fraud.  I hated myself for deceiving people.

The guilt and aftermath ultimately undermined my relationship and the educational goal I had for myself.  Although my boyfriend never stopped loving me, the wedge this event created was too great for us to overcome.  For him, I was no longer the pure, flawless and innocent girl he fell in love with.  For me, I could never look at him without being reminded of the decision I had made.  Unable to reconcile the emotional trauma, I ended the relationship.  Furthermore, I was on academic probation and was endangered of being kicked out of school.  I pushed away my friends and family.  I was lonely, damaged and broken. 

As time went on I feared I would have to spend the rest of my life alone and decided the solution was to never tell my secret to anyone and marry the next suitable man who would ask for my hand.  Not long after coming to this conclusion I was faced with the decision to marry an educated, kind man from a respectable and well known family.  It was at this point in time that I finally had to face all that was wrong in my life.  For the first time in years I had clarity.  For one, I realized that I should never do to someone else what I would not want to have done to me.  I could not deceive this wonderful man who wanted to love me and start a life with me about who I really was.  Secondly, how could anyone fully love me if I did not love myself?  Finally, I came to understand that my worth and value was not tied to a man and being married. 

Though I did not have the courage to reveal my secret to this man I did tell him that I did not love him and that he deserved to marry a woman who would love him for all his wonderful qualities.  This one act of honesty was my first step to recovery.  I started self reflecting, solidifying my values, being honest with my emotions, dealing with the pressures of the roles and responsibilities of being a Hmong woman, accepting people without judgment, coming to terms with my decision, and discontinuing self loathing.  Out of this dark time emerged a much stronger, more insightful, and compassionate human being. 

It took a great deal of time, much forgiving, choosing to be alone, and working with those who were less fortunate to really value the wonderful and amazing life that God had given me.  Bettering myself brought amazing people into my life and those people would eventually help shape me into the person I am today.

I eventually finished my graduate degree, married a successfully and loving Hmong man who accepts me for all of my flaws, built a successful career, and I have a beautiful family.  I speak to my children often about self worth, self respect, and striving to always learn and grow as a human being.  I teach them that there is no mistake worth throwing your life away for and no problem too great to share with your parents.  There is help and resources out there for everything and every situation.

It has now been 20 years since I made this decision and I still think about this unborn child.  What I don’t have any more is I no longer see this tiny fetus walking through the door asking for answers.  I have forgiven myself and accepted that I made the best decision I could at the time.  Looking back, I do not regret the decision that I made.  My life would have ended very differently had I decided to keep the baby.  I have learned that all of my experiences, good or bad, has made me a better person.  I have also learned that one experience does not define who we are but it is how we deal with the adversities in our life that builds our character and that I am thankful for.