Strength of a mother

By Maly Lee

Imagine learning that your only two children have been diagnosed with an incurable genetic disorder. Now, imagine both of them developing leukemia and needing bone marrow transplants at the same time. This is the reality of Mai Nhia Moua. Until one year ago, the name Fanconi Anemia wasn't even in her vocabulary, but now it's a nightmare that she is unable to awaken from.

Her oldest child, Dakota, had always dealt with bloody noses. These were not your everyday bloody noses. Dakota's nose would bleed for hours on end until she was bleeding from her eyes as well. More than once she needed blood transfusions from losing so much blood all due to a bloody nose. Wanting more answers for their daughter, Mai Nhia and her husband sought a genetic test. It came back positive for Fanconi Anemia.

The parents were in shock after researching more about this illness. Why them? Why their children? What did they do for this to happen? Questions weighed heavily on them.

They soon found out that Peyton, their younger child, also had Fanconi Anemia. Peyton's dad is in the Army and a few times was not able to be with them during this hard time so Mai Nhia felt alone. She had a very supportive family, but no one who truly understood what she was feeling and going through. Yet she persevered.

She sought and advocated daily for the best treatment for her children in between working as an elementary teacher. Many were telling her to continue to ua neeb, but she knew her children needed more than spiritual help. There were days that she couldn't keep her eyes open and days where it seemed they'd never dry from all the tears she wept.

Earlier this year, after Peyton's bone marrow biopsy, they learned some horrific news. Peyton needed a bone marrow transplant immediately. Before long, they were engulfed in the transplant process. Not too long after, Dakota had a severely bloody nose. Her blood counts had dropped far below comfort. She, too, would be in need of an immediate bone marrow transplant. Their parents were heartbroken, but determination and hope was on their side.

To the present: Peyton had his bone marrow transplant almost two months ago and Mai Nhia was by his side. He's doing remarkably well and was even walking just a few days after his transplant. Now it is Dakota's turn and, like the loving mother that she is, Mai Nhia shaved her head for her daughter.

Mai Nhia and her family's story will not be over when Dakota is healed from transplant. Fanconi Anemia has no cure and there's no telling what it will throw at them next, but I have a feeling they'll stand up to fight again and again and never give up.

Mai Nhia, you're one of the bravest mothers that I know. You have a lot of strength inside you and your love for your children should be written in textbooks. Don't let your mind ever start to make you doubt yourself. I love you all!

Courageous Woman Award - Bo Thao Urabe

Congratulation to Bo Thao-Urabe for winning the Augsburg College Courageous Woman Award.

Watch and read her acceptance speech.

Acceptance Speech for Courageous Woman Award - Accepted on Bo's Behalf, her sister May Thao.

April 4, 2013 at Augsburg College, Minneapolis, MN

I am sorry I could not be there with you all. I am incredibly honored and humbled to be named as a Courageous Woman Award winner, because throughout my life there have been many moments when I did not feel courageous.

When I cried in the jungles of Laos even though my mother told us to be still and quiet fearing we’d be discovered by Communist soldiers and killed. When I came out of school one day only to discover that someone had painted “GOOK” all over my car bumper; I was angry but didn’t report it. When my aunt came over to my home many years ago for safety with fresh fingerprint bruises on her throat, but I did not call the police because it was my uncle who did it.

These types of experiences have shaped me and have helped me to understand that unless I act and do differently things are not going to change.

I can say that as I reflect on my own life so far and that of my community, I know that it is the strength of women that have made survival possible for many. But surviving is not thriving. And today, so many women and children are not thriving in our communities. I look around and those who are poorest, least valued, and most oppressed are women and children. Why is this?

I ask myself, “What can I do today to change conditions for women and children? How can I help meet the needs, but push for a future that I’ve never known where women’s gifts, talents, and leadership are developed and fully embraced?”By honing in on these questions, it’s allowed me to act more quickly and to keep going no matter how hard because that which I dream is yet to be realized.

So, thank you to the Augsburg Women’s Resource Center for this recognition. While it feels strange to be awarded for merely doing what I can when so many are suffering, I accept this award because I now know I have your support and together we can build bridges that will help us make greater progress for all women.

I also want to thank my husband and family for their support, as well as thank Kaohly Her for nominating me. Her support and friendship through the years has been a gift, and now her leadership as the first Executive Director of Hmong Women Achieving Together must be supported by all of us.

Again, thank you.

Are you having a boy or a girl?

As a Hmong woman, this incident was so normal that I didn’t think to share it at all but when I shared it with my non-Hmong friends it completely shocked them. Since we have many non-Hmong readers I thought I would share this very ordinary encounter.

I was at my nephew’s birthday party when my sister’s mother-in-law asked me whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told her we’ll find out in a few weeks. I already have two daughters so she told me that if this baby wasn’t a boy, there are Hmong herbs I can take to guarantee a boy the next time around. I told her this was going to be the last baby, whether it’s a boy or a girl. She said, “If you don’t have a boy your husband will go marry a second wife”. Statements like these don’t personally bother me so I simply said, “That’s fine” and ended the conversation.

My non-Hmong friends asked me if it was even possible for a Hmong man to marry a second wife. Yes, it is.

Rather than educate the mother-in-law on the scientific details of how the sex of the baby is determined or argue with her (at my nephew’s 6 year birthday party) I chose to ignore her statement and show her that the possibility of having another baby girl or my husband marrying a second wife does not intimidate me. To women who may not be so confident, it’s a reason for them to keep having babies until they have a boy or to be open to the idea of their husband marrying a second wife.

Hmong women can be the harshest critics of Hmong women. This is just the way we were brought up. I try to catch my sisters, my friends, and myself when I resort to these types of statements but it takes an enormous amount of awareness to catch these statements-they’re so ingrained in us. If we tried a little harder to avoid degrading statements that put down our self-worth, we can all take a step closer to empowering ourselves and our fellow Hmong sisters.  

Mai Vang

Letter to My Younger Self

January 2013

Dear Destiny, my Younger Self,

I want to tell you how great of a person you’ve become.  GREAT, meaning how you’ve grown personally, professionally and emotionally.

I remember the time when all that mattered was friends, clothes and money.  Friends whose opinions changed your actions, clothes that defined who you were and working to only buy what you want and not necessarily what you needed.  Family was a means to shelter and not a means for love and support.  Education was where you excelled but not a place for strengthening your mind but as a place for you to build friendships and relationships that didn’t last.  At the same time, you were strong where no one was able to break you.  You are smart ad honest and had no problem sharing your honesty.  Your biggest advocates, your parents—even though you didn’t realize it at the time, had shaped you to become a woman who is loving, caring, passionate, stronger than ever and resilient in all things.

Because of your strength and resilience you experience the gift of life with grace and the experience of death with insight giving yourself and siblings the power to move forward.

Because of your sincerity you bring to your family the value of honoring one another and accepting others for who they are and not what people think or want them to be.

Because of your passion for life you create an energy that exudes positivity and empowerment.  Your words of courage gives others hope and a viewpoint that allows them to explore opportunities not just options. 

While sometimes you are too hard on yourself, your “can do” attitude keeps you driven.  Furthermore it helps you push people outside of their comfort zone to create a greater understanding and awareness of the unknown and possibilities.

All the bad, horrible, ugly and great, beautiful things that have and will happen in life will only make things more challenging and yet better.  But as always, you are ready for a challenge and ready to fight.  Remember its okay to cry the tears of pain but celebrate the achievements of yourself and others.

As you continue to grow and learn about yourself know that discovery never ends and with all said and done—at the end of the day it’s YOU that makes the difference in who you become.  Learning comes in all shapes and size from old to young and vice versa. If at any time you begin to doubt yourself, feel free to call me to put you in check

Your Older Self, Destiny Xiong.

WHEN WILL MISCONCEPTIONS OF HMONG/HMONG AMERICAN WOMEN STOP BEING PERPETUATED?

Sophia Vue Lo

I am reading the book Committed, thinking it was just another book by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love). This book is a follow up to the author's real life journey to finding love in this world.

Initially the book reads just like the usual romance novel about every women's search to know thyself better. Then things turn in the book when she comes across a small group of Hmong women who live in the high mountains of Southeast Asia. She is curious by the marriage system in their culture, and spends time talking to this remote tribe of people, hoping to learn more about what it means to be a "married Hmong women."

And this was her simple conclusion; "I would not trade lives with those [Hmong] women."

How does this author have the audacity to make such a statement about an entire group of people that she barely knew anything about or fully understand? The author clearly did not appreciate my people and our vast, enriching and complex lives.

By Sophia Vue Lo

Doing What I am Suppose to with the Help of Hnub Tshiab's Hmong Women's Leadership Institute (HWLI)

 

Before joining HWAT I was a stay at home mom for 6 years. I stayed home because my husband and I had our first child.  Our child had special health care needs and disability with the diagnosis of Trisomy 13. This led me down a path of many self struggles and eventually leading me off the track of whom and how I really was. I lost all confidence in myself.

In 2010, my husband I had our fourth child.  He was diagnosed with Anencephaly, another genetic disorder.  There was nothing in the world we could have done to prevent it as it occurs randomly and can happen to anyone. Having been shunned by everyone for many years for having special needs children I had no confidence in myself nor believed this cause would lead me anywhere.  After his birth and passing I knew I had to do something about special needs and disabilities in the Hmong community.  

Honestly, I was hesitant to join HWAT because I felt as though I was not good enough to sit next to prestigious Hmong women. I then learned that we are all ordinary Hmong women fighting our own battles whiles being prestigious in our own ways. With the help of HWAT I gained the strength I needed to believe in myself. I gain the support of my Hmong women peers which gave me the boost I desperately needed. I was able to identify my identity within my Hmong community as well as my main stream community. 

All in all, I would not be here crusading my cause and awareness of special needs and disability in my community without HAWT. Although, it is just me fighting this cause at the moment, it feels as though I am not alone because I have the support of many Hmong women standing behind me, supporting and believing in me.

Thank you for letting me share my story. Please help spread this cause to families and friends that may need it. I have been working hard. I was able to get Senator Hoffman to believe in this cause.  Special Thanks Hnub Tshiab for giving me that kick in the butt to do what I am doing now.

PaNyia Yang Vang.

Application to Date?

The HWAT blog post from 10/30/12 reminded me of something I created for suitors for my daughter. I told my daughter that she could start dating at 15 years of age and now that she has reached that age, we are terrified. My coworker found an application for a boyfriend online and my daughter gave it to a boy who wanted to date her.  He was brave enough to fill out the application. 

For laughs, I actually wrote this letter in response but did not have the heart to give it to him. My daughters are so valuable to me that I will not require a bride price when either of them get married. If I had to decide on a bride price for my daughter, it would be close to something like this. Enjoy – please remember this is for laughs so read it light heartedly.

Thank you for your application for permission to date my daughter. Your application has been DENIED.

• We will not keep your application in our files.
• Please feel free to re-apply after you have met the following criteria:
• Graduated from an accredited institution with a bachelor’s degree and a GPA of 3.7 or better
• Graduated from an accredited institution in a respectable field
• Generating an annual income of $75,000 or more in a job that is not illegal
• Are in generally good health (please provide form from doctor)
• Have gained a deep respect for your mother and sisters

If you are traditional Hmong we would require a bride-price for the following expenses:

• Grade school activities                       $ 10,000
• Camps and fun activities                    $   5,000
• Braces for her perfect smile               $   6,000
• Ivy league college education              $200,000 

                                                                     $221,000

If you have any questions regarding the application process or your DENIAL status, don’t contact us. Thank you and best of luck to you.