What's it like to be a woman or girl today?

UNICEF asked women and girls around the world, "What's it like to be a woman or girl today?"  We would love to hear your thoughts and response to this question.

Stereotypes: Feminism Misrepresented

A feminist is someone who supports feminism.  Feminism is defined by Merriam-Webster as:

1:  the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

2:  organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests

Nowhere in the definition do we see the words radical, extremist, or militant yet being a feminist seems to carry a negative connotation.  Common stereotypes:

• Feminist hate men
• Feminist dislike women who chose to be stay home moms
• Feminist are masculine and unattractive
• Feminist are angry and bitter
• Feminist hate religion

The most damaging myths about feminism is that it only liberates women at the expense of men, and all feminists are just out to emasculate the men in their society and take over the world.  

At Hnub Tshiab we believe that our families, our clans, our communities and society over all do better when women are allowed the same opportunities as men.  When we have equality for both genders our families prosper, the emotional health of our families improve, and the quality of our family bonds are strengthened.  The quest for equality is not only for women but also for men.  We know that men, sometimes, can be our best advocates.

I am certain that I am not alone when I say for many years I was afraid to self identify as a feminist.  I was terrified of how others would perceive me.  I struggled with how to be a good Hmong daughter/wife and a feminist.  The two images seemed to be polar opposites. 

Today I know that a good Hmong daughter/wife and feminist can coexist in the same being.  I do not have to choose to be one or the other.  In order to reap the benefits of what equality brings, we must all make a conscious decision to embrace all of the identities that make us who we are.  Let us together reshape the image of a feminist to what it truly is, that feminist are loving, caring, compassionate and spiritual beings that embrace and empower others to reach their full potential.

Taboo?

In the Hmong culture, it is a taboo to marry someone with the same last name. Never did I think that would happen to me. I was embarrassed at the beginning of our marriage that we were both Xiongs.  We didn’t have a wedding because of our same last name. My husband just paid the dowry and the cost of the food if we would have had a wedding.  Because we didn’t have a wedding our marriage was kept quiet. Only our immediate families knew we were married. The night we got married his family wanted to pay my parents money to send me back to my family and reverse the marriage. My husband refused.  My mother in law and sister in law wouldn’t even call me “nyab” (daughter/sister in law) when there were visitors. They would call me by my first name because they were embarrassed.  We knew they were embarrassed so we wouldn’t attend large family gatherings just to spare them the embarrassment.  They didn’t say they were going to disown us, but mentally his family disowned us; they stopped inviting us to their family gatherings, and we heard talk from outsiders, so we basically knew we were disowned.  I remember his aunt and his first cousin telling my sister in laws not to call me “ nyab’ because it is the grossest thing someone could ever do. I was really hurt when one of my sister in laws, whom I was close to, told me. Every time I see his first cousin, she would never say hi to me.  She would ignore me and if they were looking for my husband, she would call me “Hey!” I purposely wouldn’t answer because I was hurt they didn’t acknowledge me.

After three years of marriage and no children, we heard from our distant cousins that his family said it was because of our last names being the same. They said even if we had kids they would be deformed.  Some of the people who were telling us that we were horrible were our cousins who were married to their first cousins. Is being married to someone with the same last name worse than marrying your first cousin? My mom gave me some herbs to help conceive and one month later, I became pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was worried how my baby would turn out. I gave birth 9 months later to a beautiful baby girl. I remember there was a Hmong lady who worked at the hospital who helped Hmong families with paperwork. When we were filling out the paperwork, she asked us if we were legally married since we had the same last name on the forms. We told her “No.” She said, “Then why are your last names Xiong?” We smiled and told her, “Because we are both Xiongs.”  We told her our story. She asked to see our baby and for permission to hold our baby. I gave her permission and she went ahead and held our baby and undressed her. I knew she wanted to see if there was anything wrong with our baby. I wanted her to see that our baby was perfect so I allowed her to do so. 

We eventually moved out of state and started going to church because we didn’t know how to “ua neeb” or call for a “txiv neeb” because we were alone. Five years after our marriage, his aunts and uncles started visiting us. More and more of his family eventually came around. They started to call us for family gatherings and invited us for holidays. They asked us to not go to church anymore and go back to “ua neeb” with them. We told them we’re happy where we are. We go to church because we love it there. We love when the priest lectures about relationships and life. It’s a great learning experience for us. My mother in law came to visit us twice and asked us to move back.  Now we’re back in Minnesota with our families and we have 4 beautiful children. I don’t feel insecure about myself when I’m with his family, trying to be someone I’m not. It took a long time for his family to finally accept me.  

Even though we were doing all the “wrong” things and my family was initially ashamed and hurt, they still forgave us, stood by us and supported us. They did all they could to help us start our family. I’m so thankful for my family. After 2 years of lying to outsiders about our last names I told myself:  I’m not a bad person. I just fell in love with someone I can’t stop loving.  Do I need to lie about my situation for the rest of my life? I couldn’t and shouldn’t.  I shouldn’t worry about how people think of me.  I love my family and that’s what matters most. I should just focus on my marriage and my children. I believe we should stand up for what we believe even if we’re standing alone.       

Overcoming Adversity

Sometimes I wonder why I am so fortunate to overcome such adversity when there are so many Hmong women who cannot overcome the same experience. It is only after I dissect every aspect of my experience that I can pinpoint how lucky I am. 

I got married one month after I turned 14. I got pregnant soon after and had a daughter. While I was pregnant, I started to realize I wasn’t happy in the marriage. By the time I was 16, I knew I was in an unhealthy relationship and wanted, no needed to leave the marriage. Soon after I graduated high school, I found the strength to leave the marriage permanently. By the time I was 18, I was already divorced with a child. Most people don’t have this much life experience before they even enter college. 

While I was contemplating my divorce my biggest fear was: what if I return to my natal family and bring shame to my parents? In the Hmong culture, shame is the most awful thing you can do to your family. I would be a divorced, single mom. I could bear the stigma but would my parents be able to? What if my parents blamed me for the divorce? I feared that my parents would say, “You were too lazy and that’s why your in-laws didn’t want you.” My parents never uttered those words. Fortunately, my parents were very supportive of my divorce. After the divorce, I finally realized the full strength of my parent’s love for me, their eldest daughter. My parents truly wanted what was best for me, disregarding their reputation. My parents never made me feel guilty for leaving the marriage; they never blamed me. They never made me feel ashamed of my decision. I eventually became much more independent, moved out on my own, and completed college. 

I have a cousin who had a similar experience. She got married very young, had a child and divorced all before completing high school. For whatever reason, she keeps getting stuck in this cycle. She has been in several marriages. She has not been able to hold a steady job or go to college. We had such similar experiences; how is it that I am able to be where I am today and she is still stuck in this destructive cycle? I could not understand the different outcomes until I compared our families. My father was so protective of me he didn’t care that I left the marriage; he just wanted me to be safe. After my cousin’s divorce, her brother would hit her when she did something to disappoint or embarrass the family. I do not know if her parents ever shamed her for leaving her first husband or if they ever tried to protect her from her brother.

I know now how lucky I am to have such supportive parents. They made all the difference in my development as a woman. Their unconditional love has brought me to where I am today and I am forever grateful for that. I know I will repeat this cycle of unconditional love towards my children even if it means going against the grain.

Is He a Sexual Predator?

I recently read about the Penn State sexual abuse scandal and I don’t know what was worse that sexual predators are active community members or that institutions protect sexual predators.

This made me think about when I was thirteen years old and in 8^th grade.  A Hmong guy who was in college pursued me.  At the time, it seemed normal because many of my Hmong girlfriends were dating college age Hmong men.  Is this Hmong man any different than Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky?  Are the people in the Hmong community who witnessed the behavior and said nothing any different than those who knew Sandusky's sexual assult of minors at Penn State and did nothing?  

  

Selling Out?

I was asked recently by a young Hmong woman who wondered if agreeing to serve drinks, greet guests, and not wear shorts in public so that Hmong elders would be comfortable was “selling out” on my values of being a liberated Hmong woman who believes in gender equity. 

Let me set the record straight. How I chose to work on gender equity and social change means that I get to decide how much of a feminist I truly am and feel empowered to make choices. I actually do not object to serving drinks. What I object to is when there is a lack of choice and when woman are treated disrespectfully and demeaned for these contributions to society. In my own life, I have decided to meet our Hmong community where it is at so that social change can be made respectfully, consistently, and without apology. Intentionally causing discomfort at times so social and cultural change can happen is a strategy that could be used more frequently, but this is just not me. Agitation is just fine, but it has never been my cup of tea. I’ve learned over the 15 years of working with cultural, social and institutional change to improve the lives of Hmong women, that in order to make social change happen in a way that is constructive and helpful in the Hmong community, it is actually better to be steadfast, consistent, and stick to my values day in and day out.  

I seek to first understand any arguments before making counterarguments. So often, I hear the arguments from others about why the mission of Hnub Tshiab just won’t be successful, even before any of our arguments are heard or even understood. People are already sure that they understand our mission. How could they understand it when they have refused to engage and listen? It is no secret that the first person to be employed in our organization on substantial basis is actually a Hmong man. 

Just as I have decided never to defend whether I am “Hmong enough” for others in the Hmong community, I have decided never to defend whether or not I am “feminist” enough for those more radical than myself. No one can define us but ourselves. I know what my values are and who I am. The question is whether others understand this for themselves. As former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt expressed, “No one can make you feel inferior but yourself.”  

Indeed, the belief that no one can make me feel inferior but myself has freed me of resentment toward others who would seek to put me down.

MPR: A New Generation of Hmong Women Pursues College

"When I was in junior high, my father once said to me, 'I know that you are female and Hmong. Many people will say you won't make it. You won't finish high school because you'll get married, have a lot of kids and be living on welfare. That's the path for you because you are a Hmong female,'" Vang recalled. "And you know what my father said? 'I know you are not going to be that. I know you are going to be something better.'"

This piece is from September 24, 2009 but it is worth revisiting.  The seed of support for Hmong girls starts with something as small as a word of encouragement.  We are the role models that will inspire the next generation of Hmong women leaders.

http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2009/09/23/youthradio-hmongcollege/

To listen to the piece, click on the link below.
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