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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in the blog posts are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Hnub Tshiab: Hmong Women Achieving Together.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Taboo?

In the Hmong culture, it is a taboo to marry someone with the same last name. Never did I think that would happen to me. I was embarrassed at the beginning of our marriage that we were both Xiongs.  We didn’t have a wedding because of our same last name. My husband just paid the dowry and the cost of the food if we would have had a wedding.  Because we didn’t have a wedding our marriage was kept quiet. Only our immediate families knew we were married. The night we got married his family wanted to pay my parents money to send me back to my family and reverse the marriage. My husband refused.  My mother in law and sister in law wouldn’t even call me “nyab” (daughter/sister in law) when there were visitors. They would call me by my first name because they were embarrassed.  We knew they were embarrassed so we wouldn’t attend large family gatherings just to spare them the embarrassment.  They didn’t say they were going to disown us, but mentally his family disowned us; they stopped inviting us to their family gatherings, and we heard talk from outsiders, so we basically knew we were disowned.  I remember his aunt and his first cousin telling my sister in laws not to call me “ nyab’ because it is the grossest thing someone could ever do. I was really hurt when one of my sister in laws, whom I was close to, told me. Every time I see his first cousin, she would never say hi to me.  She would ignore me and if they were looking for my husband, she would call me “Hey!” I purposely wouldn’t answer because I was hurt they didn’t acknowledge me.


After three years of marriage and no children, we heard from our distant cousins that his family said it was because of our last names being the same. They said even if we had kids they would be deformed.  Some of the people who were telling us that we were horrible were our cousins who were married to their first cousins. Is being married to someone with the same last name worse than marrying your first cousin? My mom gave me some herbs to help conceive and one month later, I became pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was worried how my baby would turn out. I gave birth 9 months later to a beautiful baby girl. I remember there was a Hmong lady who worked at the hospital who helped Hmong families with paperwork. When we were filling out the paperwork, she asked us if we were legally married since we had the same last name on the forms. We told her “No.” She said, “Then why are your last names Xiong?” We smiled and told her, “Because we are both Xiongs.”  We told her our story. She asked to see our baby and for permission to hold our baby. I gave her permission and she went ahead and held our baby and undressed her. I knew she wanted to see if there was anything wrong with our baby. I wanted her to see that our baby was perfect so I allowed her to do so. 

We eventually moved out of state and started going to church because we didn’t know how to “ua neeb” or call for a “txiv neeb” because we were alone. Five years after our marriage, his aunts and uncles started visiting us. More and more of his family eventually came around. They started to call us for family gatherings and invited us for holidays. They asked us to not go to church anymore and go back to “ua neeb” with them. We told them we’re happy where we are. We go to church because we love it there. We love when the priest lectures about relationships and life. It’s a great learning experience for us. My mother in law came to visit us twice and asked us to move back.  Now we’re back in Minnesota with our families and we have 4 beautiful children. I don’t feel insecure about myself when I’m with his family, trying to be someone I’m not. It took a long time for his family to finally accept me.  

Even though we were doing all the “wrong” things and my family was initially ashamed and hurt, they still forgave us, stood by us and supported us. They did all they could to help us start our family. I’m so thankful for my family. After 2 years of lying to outsiders about our last names I told myself:  I’m not a bad person. I just fell in love with someone I can’t stop loving.  Do I need to lie about my situation for the rest of my life? I couldn’t and shouldn’t.  I shouldn’t worry about how people think of me.  I love my family and that’s what matters most. I should just focus on my marriage and my children. I believe we should stand up for what we believe even if we’re standing alone.       

48 comments:

  1. Thank you for having the courage to share your story! But I am still left wondering... What made your husband's side of the family become supportive of your marriage? How come your parents were more supportive? What do you tell your children about your marriage? Again, thank you for sharing your story! Stay strong and be a wonderful example of what love and commitment is like so that others cannot judge you simply because you married someone with the same last name.

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    Replies
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  2. Yeah, it did take me a long time to think about writing this story. The reason behind my parents supporting us more then his family was because my parents were the ones trying to stop us both when they found out he has the same last name. There was a strong love story in the begining that no one could've stopped. It felt like we were meant for eachother and god made us a couple. So my parents believed that we would love eachother, and they could've done anything, but to support us and they didn't want to see me live in misery. All these were happening and their family had no clue. I was 15. He was much older then I was. I'm assuming his family became supportive of us because all the years, alot of his relatives started getting divorced, and we were still together, we had a family, and we never went to any of his families for anything, we worked hard, and after us being alone, people came us to borrow money from us. I meant alot of people borrowed money from us, so it made them realized we are not bad people. I've never thought of what to say to my children, but I've just told them they can marry anyone they want, but wait until they are old enough, finish college, have a career so they can support themselves, and stand up for themselves. Thank you for reading my story.

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  3. I don't want to sound conceited or boast, but that's how I feel. and another reason why they finally excepted me is because my husband stood by me and supported me when they tried to break us up, which was so many times I can't keep count, and they would try to match him up with girls, but he stood by me. So I give him credit and believe he is the man for me.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story, for standing strong and true to your heart, and for believing that life takes you to wherever it is you need to go. <3

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  5. Truly a touching story. I hope to be able to be strong as you one day.

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  6. You are a strong women. I also love someone with the same last name, but don't know how to tell ppl when they're just gonna look down on you like your a bad person.

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  7. I would like to hear your husband's side of the story..same situation, I need a little encouragement for us guys...

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  8. I respect you for standing up for what you believe in. You and your husband are doing what is right. You feel a certain way and you are living for yourself and not for your family. I would really appreciate it if you could contact me as soon as possible because I want to talk to you about this situation so if you could leave an email where I can contact you at I would appreciate it so much. I need help and I feel as if you are the only one who can help me out. I would appreciate it if you left an email where I would reach you at. Thank you.

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  9. here is my story that im stuck with this situation. Well me and my boyfriend were dating for about three months now. We do love each other dearly. At first he told me that he was a yang. And for me i am a vang. So i didnt think anything wrong. Soon in the relationship
    i became pregnant with his child. when i told him that i was pregnant with his child he then told me that he was also a vang like me. He said he will take care of me and not let anything happen to me. That no matter what he will stay beside me. Soon i hear rumors that he is also married. One day while he was talking to me his wife caught him and talked to me. She told me that this guy i was talking to was her husband and they have been married for a long time. They already had four kids together. I was shocked to hear about this. I didnt know what to do. Soon his parents found out and called me. I told his father that i was pregnant with his child. all his dad told me was to look for another guy and tell him that i had his child. I cant do such a thing to an innocent person. Soon i had to tell my parents cause my belly was getting bigger. My parents were really upset. My mom wants me to abort the baby, but i dont want to. So me and him are still secretly talking to one another. I know that it is bad for me to still be with him cause he has a family, but i just love him too much. That i dont know what i would do without him. Sometimes not even wanting to care what others will think of me, but because he has a family already that is the hard situation. His dad told me that he doesnt love his wife and that he is never home, but from him and his brothers, they say that he loves her dearly just that she always go outs talking about the family. His dad said that if i was to be a different last name he wouldnt mind us to get married, but because we have the same last name that it was never meant to be. That if we live together things will never work out for us. We will be in a lot of debt and our life will never be good. Our kids will always get sick or never live. Im afraid of that as well. I just cant leave though and i just cant abort the baby. I dont know what to do.

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    1. I though you said that he's was a Yang. Could how he be a Vang if he told you that he's was a yang at first. Guys can lie about everything.

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  10. My husbands aunt is a Xiong and she also married a Xiong. My father in law is ashamed of his sisters marriage and doesn't acknowledge their marriage. Although, they've been married for 30 years now. My pog(husbands pog) is the coolest and sweetest person ever. She approves the marriage and loves bragging about her grandchildren are. If only more Hmong folks were understanding like my pog. She's 82 years old and to think of it she's from an older generation. I don't have anything against taboo. I think if you love someone go for it. What I consider taboo is dating your first, second, and third cousin. Also dating within the family.
    You are a very strong woman and very blessed to have a loving hubby.

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  11. :) atleast your parents forviges you and willing to accept you. As i know some parents banned their kids to see their older brother who ran after his wife and 4 kids, because his parents don't see why they should be together. So when we ran after her, their parent curse them saying, they will be jobless and broken. :) they started going to church and they do struggle but they have a happy family. :)

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  12. Thank you for all the positive comments! I agree, I am very lucky to have a wonderful family because I know some parents who curse their kids to have a bad life just because they are with someone their parents dislike, and I'm so lucky my father even wished us luck after he caught up to us after I ran away with my husband now from my wedding that was arranged to a different man. Long story. But again, thanks all!

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  13. My story is similar to your story. I am also married to the same last name, legally and only the dowry was paid. We've never had a wedding. I never thought it would happen to me until it did. Of course, everyone disagreed. It was hard for both of us at first because many of our family members did not approve. And I agree with you, at times like this, you find out who your true friends and family members are; those that stick around and accept you for who you are, not what you did. But what some didn't understand was that we were in love and inseparable. After a few years, our families slowly accepted us. Although his family still doesn't call me nyab, I guess I'm used to it. Now my husband is my mom's favorite son in law. He does everything for her and she loves him like a son. We also have a beautiful baby girl and she is perfect.
    What I have learned from my experience is that not everyone will approve of the decisions we make, but love is the light of the way and it brings people together. We stood through thick and thin together regardless of what people's opinions were. Lastly, I don't regret marrying my husband. He is wonderful in every way, great father and husband. Afterall, I married him for who he is, not his last name.

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  14. This Vang guy & I (who was also a Vang) had history class together freshman year. When we first saw eachother we couldn't help but catch glances from eachother. A couple weeks later we began talking, he sat by me and lunch with my girlfriends. In half a year we became close. Texting everyday, calling occasionally, & never getting bored of eachother. One day when we were texting eachother he told me he liked me. After he told me, I felt a little at ease and told him I liked him too. I was happy that we didn't get awkward afterwards but became closer. I was glad to have someone like him to help keep my head up when i felt down. I really enjoyed his presence. One day I asked him if he still felt the same way for me, he told me he did. He always told me he needed to ask me something but could never say it, instead he would ask "How are you?" I knew that wasn't it. People would always tell me how we looked cute together. Some actually thought we were dating. Because we always sent eachother to class & laughed in the halls. We never hugged though, don't know how we were so close but never hugged. Then school ended and summer began, our talks and communication decreased. I thought I had done something wrong. I was too afraid to confront him about it so I just went with it and talked with him here and there. The next year in sophmore year, we began to talk again but it seemed like we weren't that close anymore. Like he seemed he was holding back. Homecoming was comming up and he had asked me to go with him i was so happy and i began to think i was just overeacting on our friendship. But on the last day to buy tickets, he told me that the date thing was off because it turned out he was busy (he said he would ask his parents for permission and maybe it was that..). He seemed saddened at this. The weird friendship began again & I was so stressed and unease because it seemed one day he talked like we were still close and then another day he would be all shady and down and act like we never met or something horrible had happened between us. My other friends told me to confront him and not to be scared. So I wrote him a letter before winter break and told him he could reply when he was ready after break. The letter was about him being honest with me and telling me what we were. Were we still best friends? Just friends? Or strangers now? Because it seems whenever I would talk to him about it he would try to push away the subject. After break he finally texted me his answer. He said he thinks its best if we just be friends, and friends only. It was also best we were no longer painting a picture to others like we were a thing. And that he was Christian and wasn't until now & wanted to stay that way. He apologized for it not being what I wanted because he knew I still had lingering feelings. And I saw he did too but didn't want to go back to where we were before. Someone told me she had talked to him about whether he was going to go through with asking me out or not because it seemed we were both leading eachother on. He really gave thought into this and that's why he distanced away in the summer. He also expressed his opinions on how he wished we had different last names. Now we are as awkward as ever. It's sad. To have class together, walk past each other not saying a word or acknowledging one another. Sometimes we would catch glances & you could just see the sadness in those eyes..

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  15. Hi, i'm a vang too and having the same situation. If you don't mind can you tell me what kind of medicine you took to have kids.Or if you don't mind pose a picture of it. Also your story is very touching, my life is just similar to your.

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am currently going through the beginning of a similar relationship. My boyfriend and I are both Vangs. He's younger, from a completely opposite background, but our families are both very traditional and religious. So far, only my close friends, sister, and mother knows about our relationship. My mother originally said "Moob Vaaj thaam Moob Vaaj es tsis txawj txam muag los caag?!" and I replied to her that yes, of course we have an embarrassment and shyness about it. That's why it's so hard to come out and tell the world. I can't even update my facebook status without someone snapping at me. We are so so scared but we love each other. After my mother said that to me, she then worried about how his family would take it. If they would even do a wedding. She said that he better have the money to pay for my dowry and since I have a degree and well paying job she is expecting a lot from him especially since his financial and social rank is not up to par with mine, in her eyes. We are also long distance right now and it's been hard but we keep each other strong. We've been talking about marriage and having children and we both know it's something that we want one day with one another.. but then it all comes down to the whole religion thing as you mentioned in your post. I am scared that what if his family won't accept me. What if they won't acknowledge me or acknowledge our relationship? When he brings it up I tell him that I truly believe that if we continue to be good people then the heavens will see it and people will see it and they will eventually accept us for who we are. I keep telling him this to keep us strong but deep in my heart I am so scared and worried as well. I have a feeling that we will eventually also turn to God but at the same time I feel like it would break his heart to turn away from the religion that he has known all his life. But God never gives you more than what he knows you can handle. And God knew we needed each other so he gave me my boyfriend and vice versa. But it's just so hard you know? It's crazy how the world works.

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  17. I don't condone this, but as parents, we need to learn to accept, forgive and love your children. These are their happiest times that they will remember and cherish it for the rest of their lives, yet many parents make it to be their child's darkest hours. Same last name or not, they can always do a quick DNA test to determine their marriageability. - Lets love more and hate less -

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  18. I need help.. A girl that I am in-love with is in-love with me too. We are both hmong lee. There is nothing stopping me from pursuing my happiness, but everything seems to be stopping her. She's scared of what her parents might think, scared of disappointing her family. I have been there for her for days, weeks, months. I have been fighting with her against it all and a couple days back a teacher, yes a teacher, broke up a couple with the same last name. It scared her and now she doesn't want to do anything, shes confused. I've been trying to tell her that it wont effect us because I will be there for her no matter the cause. I just hope that she sees how much I truly care and that I'm always there for her, by her side, through thick and thin. I call her beautiful every morning. I take care of her when she's sick. I try my best to stay positive even though I'm dying on the inside. My hope is to talk straight sense into the teacher that ruined this for me, and show him that there are hundreds, thousands of people like you who live perfect lives regardless of last names. Even now... I've lost so many tears on so many nights because I know for a fact that we're meant to be. I could careless about what my family thinks because they're never here for me at any point in my life. I've paid for my own foods, and even paid for my own room a couple of times. I am prepared to deal with hers, but as I stated before, shes scared. I want and need her to see that she has nothing to be scared about because regardless of what comes through to us, I'll stop it in its tracks and work it the right way. Please help me.

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    1. My boyfriend and I are both Vangs, so I just wanted to reply to you in perspective of the girl since we are going through something similar. I think that I can say that I'm a pretty accomplished woman. I was raised to be the perfect Hmong wife: I can cook, clean, ua paj ntaub, respect my elders, and speak Hmong appropriately and well. I have a reputation built up now for the past 25 years of my life. My family respects me. My cousins and younger siblings look up to me. And I am well known in my clan for being an accomplished woman. I have a good paying job after I graduated from college and then one day, I met my boyfriend. He's younger, works in a company, didn't go to college, but he's extremely ambitious and wants to work his way up in life. And I believe in him. We come from completely different backgrounds and have walked different paths in life. But we love each other. I've been having doubts, thoughts, mainly about what my family and my clan who have always supported me whether it was my education, travel expenses, living expenses, they always helped me out. I think about the change in my reputation, my good name, and saving my parents' faces. Your girl is probably thinking about the same things. If she grew up traditionally like I did, then she may have the same thoughts. My boyfriend was very persistent and is very persistent. His parents don't know about us yet but my parents know and my father is extremely against our relationship. It's just scary to know that you can lose so many people in your life by gaining the one person that you love the most/who loves you the most. If you really do love her, don't give up on her yet. Don't push her into being in a relationship with you.. but at the same time, don't give up on her either. Just be there for her, be her friend. She may come around if she feels like it's the right choice for her. Good luck!

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    2. Thank you for replying ! For a bit, I've been her friend. She's been telling me that she misses me more than I miss her. I'm trying my hardest to stick in there for her and be close to her. Now, we're starting to go back into our old routine. Skyping each other, and making date plans again. I've thought a lot about give up on her before and you're right. I'm starting to love her more and more, and miss her more. Reading your post really helped me stay motivated and I appreciate that, But now it's a totally different struggle If we keep skyping and going on dates what'll become of us?

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    3. You will eventually fall deeper in love :) Glad to hear that my comment has given you motivation. My boyfriend and I were very skeptical about our relationship as I was moving abroad at the time for my job. We decided to try an open relationship at first but the more we skyped the more we got to know eachother and the deeper in love we fell :) we went 2 weeks with an open relationship then made it official. Long distance relationships are very difficult but if you love one another and give each other strength and learn to commincate well then it is so worth it in the end. Your relationship also becomes stronger than usual and it helps you bypass the negativity from outsiders and yourselves in regards to your last name :)

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  19. Thanks for your advice again... Sadly, we walked our separate ways... She never took the chances that she were given and now shes told me she regrets it... I just couldn't be there for someone who only knows what they want when they lose it...

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  20. HWAT,
    Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a encouragement because right now I'm dating a hmong girl with the same last name, and we might be getting marry soon (American way). My situation is different though. I don't fellowship with the hmong communities or traditions for yrs now, and can careless what hmong say. I have a place of my own and have a non-hmong community now. They are happy for me.

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  21. I am only 15... And the same situation is happening to me... With this amazing and touching story, now I have hope that it would be possible for us to bentogether... I have hope now... Thank you so much...

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  22. Thank you for your story. I am also in a conflicting relationship with someone of the same last name. How long did it take for you to tell your parents and your husband to tell his? Also how did you explain it to your parents? It would be so helpful if you could reply back to my comment. Thank you!

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  23. Thanks for the story it really helped me I'm also dating a girl with the same last name as me and our family's does not agree to this but I am more confident now because of this story so I think that we will actually have a chance to be together.

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  24. To be Honest, Love has nothing to do with Laws and way of traditional practice in any cultural. Even God never forsake Adam and Eve and his descendant later after. People today just assume as a relative. God actually allow Cousin's Marriage thru out Biblical Historical. I am very touch with this stories. You can't pretend to be someone else when you are not. If people stills confuse why God allow Cousin's Marriage is allow, please look at the website https://www.cousincouples.com/?page=religion

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  25. "I believe we should stand up for what we believe even if we’re standing alone." What a courageous person you are! and how lucky your children are to have a mother who is so strong. :)

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  26. This is such an in pricing story of you and your husband. I also have in thins kind of situation too. I date someone that has the same last name as well. My girl and I are both a yang. We have been together for a year now. We have been through a lot of obstacles during our relationship, but we're still managing to get through it together. Our parent tried to separated us apart but they just couldn't do it, because the love between me and my girl is just too strong. Her parent are more into this because she is the only girl in her family. So they expect a lot from her. They have a really high expectation for my girl. Even her brothers were trying to get into with out relationship too, but they just couldn't do it either. So her parent decided to move to California, but even though they had move to California , I would still trying to make some time to go and visit my girl, even when I'm really busy with my work. And if her family found out that I came to visit her then they will tried their best to make sure we won't get to hang out or see each other. But we still tried our best to get to see each other as much as possible. I'm sharing my story because I want some suggestion. Thank you

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  27. Happily married 3 years with 2 beautiful babies! Don't let anyone tell you who you can and can not married. If he/she isn't related to you, last name shouldn't matter. Just be strong cause in the end, it's only you who has your back. Marry someone who gives you the butterflies, who makes you feel confident, and you know will always have your back. I love my husband and my kids and they are the only one who matters the most. And yes, it does take time but your family will eventually forgive and accept you. My husband's family has been the most supportive. I don't take it offensive that they don't call me nyab as long as they show me respect then that's all that maters. Our life couldn't be any better. Goodluck to you all.

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  28. It's a great loving story but I will never married the same last name. I don't care if he's handsome and cute, it's like making love to your brothers or you're dad's brother.

    I've seen people married their first cousins and have no birth issues or deform.

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  29. I'm in the same situation n I would like talk to you or someone, email me at Cutiepup11@yahoo.com please. Thanks..

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  30. What would you do in my situation? My parents divorced when I was 6/7 years old and my mom took me and my sister with her, a year later my mom remarried and my now stepfather has been the only father figure to me and my sister. Let's get this straight as well, me and my sister are both Vues and our stepfather is a Yang, so we grew up under a Yang household. They took us in with open arms, which I'm very thankful for because most Hmong families usually never acknowledge the stepchildren. My mom is legally married to my stepfather but he hasn't legally adopted us. When the time did come, they gave me and my sister the choice of changing our last names legally, which we both denied (we didn't want to complicate things). My Yang family has always told us that we shouldn't talk to Yang’s because we are now considered Yang's (and my grandpa also mentioned about how Chang's are also a no no because Yang’s and Chang's are like brothers and sisters), me and my sister never really questioned them, we just took it as is. Personally, I have been through relationships that have just never seem to workout and always hurt me in the end, and now I'm seeing this wonderful man, he's smart, he's nice, he's charming, he's patient with me and he's good to me (very very good to me), but he's a Yang. We've known each other for years but only started seeing each other (intimately) for about 6 months and now he's talking about furthering our relationship and actually start becoming an official couple, but I keep pushing him away from the subject. I want to keep seeing him, I want to go further with him, and I want this relationship to actually have a future. I love him very much but I love my family just as much. I don't want to disrespect the family that took me in and I don’t want to keep leading this man on if I keep having doubts. Should I worry about this?

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  31. I'm so glad I got to read this beautiful story of yours. I work with this one guy that I like so much, but has the same last name. Just the other night, we decided to meet up and asked me "what if i told you, i liked you" I told him, but we have the same last name. He told me he didn't care about what others has to say. We stayed out until 5 in the morning and talked about a lot of stuff. After that night, I've been wanting to talk to him, I've been wanting to see him, I barely work with him at work and when I do, he's either with someone or training them. I decided to ask my mom about would it be wrong to date a guy that has the same last name as me. She started lecturing me and told me "tsis pub koj tham ib tug txiv neeg ua muaj lus xeem li koj, txwb tsis pub tug nrog rau koj tham li os" I kind of got sad. But I dont know about him.. I dont know how he feels like.. and it just bothers me.

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  32. Me and my boyfriend are both xiong we been dating for almost 4 years. My parents doesn't accept him and wants nothing to do with him. His whole family doesn't accept me and what's nothing to do with my family. Even so we still see each other, our parents had try to separate us once or twice but it didn't work. With our 4 years of dating its been up and down but idk if I can or should continue our relationship..... I know my boyfriend always tell me that it's going to be fine and that he is willing to take this path with me no matter what his family or my family says. But I can tell it's killing him slowing... he the type who would hide his tears even if he wants to cry badly.... even though he said that we are going to be fine he doesn't know exactly what we should do anymore. There are times when I do try to end this relationship bc of what people would say. But he would always try to keep this relationship regardless of what others say. I dnt want to regret later in life giving up on this relationship. I just dnt know what should I do anymore. We would always talk about having a family and living together away from our parents. I wish it does happen someday but i don't know what I should do anymore. Should I just give up now or still continue regardless of what other say. I read ur story every time to give me some encouragement when my parents talk badly of my relationship saying I won't have a happy life or that no one would like my kids. But even so I dnt know if I should give up now or not...

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  33. Yet - it's okay to have first or second cousins marry within Hmong culture?

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  34. This is amazing, I envy you for chasing what your heart desires and I also envy your husband for never giving up. I was in the same situation minus the getting married part. My ex boyfriend of 6 years had the same last name as me. 5+ years of the most happiest moments of my life that I wished could have gone on for eternity. Sadly, our story didn't have a happy ending like yours. Til this day I've remained alone, him as well. Maybe we'll rekindle when the days are kinder to us. We sure went through hell and back together though.

    Again, I'm so happy you two worked out for the better! Love wins.

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  35. It's amazing that you have the courage to stand for what you believe in and manage withstand all of the pain and conflicts that you and your husband faced. I envy both you and your husband. But the only thing I'm kind of sad to not hear about is the guy's pov. I know we men have a lot of toxic masculinity and we tend to not open up about issues regarding same last name marriage or any other kinds of relationship. But i think guys deserve some kind of hope in these kind of situation too. I'm sorry I don't mean to twist the purpose of this blog but I would be glad to hear a guy's point of view or someone that can understand the guys part on these issue with same last name relationship. I'm pretty sure there are hmong guys out there that are willing to listen to many of y'all opinions. But okay now moving on to my part. I'm a vang, my gender pronouns are he, his, and him. And I am a  man entering adulthood and I don't have that much experience on relationships (since I've only dated once), but I do believe that if you truly love someone, even if y'all got the same last names, then you should pursue that happiness in your life. I'm not in that kind of situation as of now but I'm just really mad at the fact that our hmong community devalues an individual based on their choice of love. (I want to curse so bad but I wont) Before coming pass this vlog I used to believe that our hmong community cannot marry those with the same last names. At all. But now I've heard most of y'all stories, it just made me realize that our system is kind of fked up. Elders put this mindset into us children, a taboo, and make us feel like we have certain restriction, this... love boundary between a man and a woman of the same clan. That If they both were to marry, their relatives and others will look down on them and bring them hell, which because they, too have that same mindset. I dislike this seed that our ancestors have implanted in our brains. I rebel but not to that extent, however, I've decided that one day if I had a child, even if its not healthy and beautiful, I would still teach them how to love one another and tell them to not give up on whoever they find that'll bring them both happiness and love. Love by the person not by their last name. I believe people just needs time to change so we can start accepting same last name marriage in our community. Thank you for reading this super long ass paragraph. Y'all have a wonderful ass day.

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  36. I am also married to the same last name girl. We are now married for 10+ years and I am still deeply in love with her. We have 6 beautiful children together!! I know many other people with the same last name who are also married with Pride. Only thing is I hated how the hmong community treats this like a cancer. I have changed my name to distant my Hmong name. And I am so happy to see everyone with similar stories..

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    1. Hi!-
      Just curious about how both your families handled your guys relationship. From the beginning til now. Were they angry/ still angry? Or supportive? Just in the same situation and I don't know if I should pursue. I'm afraid of the parents asking for money and trying to separate my partner and I.

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  37. I'm a senior in highschool and I always find myself liking someone who is a Vang. I'm starting to think that I'm cursed. I'm lost and I really like this guy but I don't know what to do.He is a Vang like me. I'm still so young, I wouldn't be able to support myself. *Sigh* Im so heart broken. :( My dad is a pastor at a church too so it would be a hard life ahead of me if I chose him. I hate myself!

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    1. Don't hate yourself! It's not your fault that you develop feelings for someone with the same last name. And you are absolutely right about having a hard life ahead of you if you do choose him. But it is also your choice to do what makes you happy. It's just a matter of those who love you and if they're willing to learn to love whoever you choose to be with as well.

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  38. Wow all these amazing stories. My brothers and sisters I am with you. Im also in love with a girl that shares my last name, Lee. We havent spoke to eachother in 9 years since six grade. Just this year we began talking again and I am falling deeply in love with her. Although I tell her to go for my friend whom she likes also I am hurt everytime. I just want her to be happy but at the same time I am dying doing so. Just reading this post has given me so much courage. Thank you my brothers and sisters I owe it to you all. Idk if Ill go for her but it sure would be nice. Only time can tell :'(

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  39. Kind of floating in the same boat. Both families are trying to separate my partner and I from each other just because of our same last name. No blood relation to each other at all. Maybe relation through marriages though. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Especially being a Christian, it hurts to hear people I hold dear to me tell me that "the devil played a big role in this." Love prevails...doesn't it? When I tell my family how I feel towards my partner, it seems to go out their other ear. My family (and Hmong people in general) really care about their reputation. That's one thing I strongly dislike about Hmong culture. If my parents last names switched, then everything would be okay. Which angers me because I would still have Yang blood in me. Another thing I dislike is how the elders believe money will solve everything. Please just pray for me that everything will be well in the end. I feel that I'm in a dark place at the moment.

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  40. Regret letting go of my loved one. We had the same last name and everyone was against it. My family said they were trying to protect me but I truly feel like they were just trying to protect their reputation. We had a Hmong traditional meeting to handle this situation, and I had to say I didn't want to be with him so I could protect him from certain threats from my family. My family doesn't understand that I'm beyond heartbroken. All they can do is look at me shamefully and not comfort me. I truly feel like I have no one, and I wish my partner was with me. It's too hard to let go of him.

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    1. UPDATE: things did not end well. i'm being moved away to live with my only sister who wants to take me in. god bless her soul. if somewhere in both sides of the families hearts that they'll let you be with each other, i say do it. as long as you guys love each other and aren't blood related. i wish you guys the best.

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