Are you having a boy or a girl?

As a Hmong woman, this incident was so normal that I didn’t think to share it at all but when I shared it with my non-Hmong friends it completely shocked them. Since we have many non-Hmong readers I thought I would share this very ordinary encounter.

I was at my nephew’s birthday party when my sister’s mother-in-law asked me whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told her we’ll find out in a few weeks. I already have two daughters so she told me that if this baby wasn’t a boy, there are Hmong herbs I can take to guarantee a boy the next time around. I told her this was going to be the last baby, whether it’s a boy or a girl. She said, “If you don’t have a boy your husband will go marry a second wife”. Statements like these don’t personally bother me so I simply said, “That’s fine” and ended the conversation.

My non-Hmong friends asked me if it was even possible for a Hmong man to marry a second wife. Yes, it is.

Rather than educate the mother-in-law on the scientific details of how the sex of the baby is determined or argue with her (at my nephew’s 6 year birthday party) I chose to ignore her statement and show her that the possibility of having another baby girl or my husband marrying a second wife does not intimidate me. To women who may not be so confident, it’s a reason for them to keep having babies until they have a boy or to be open to the idea of their husband marrying a second wife.

Hmong women can be the harshest critics of Hmong women. This is just the way we were brought up. I try to catch my sisters, my friends, and myself when I resort to these types of statements but it takes an enormous amount of awareness to catch these statements-they’re so ingrained in us. If we tried a little harder to avoid degrading statements that put down our self-worth, we can all take a step closer to empowering ourselves and our fellow Hmong sisters.  

Mai Vang

Letter to My Younger Self

January 2013

Dear Destiny, my Younger Self,

I want to tell you how great of a person you’ve become.  GREAT, meaning how you’ve grown personally, professionally and emotionally.

I remember the time when all that mattered was friends, clothes and money.  Friends whose opinions changed your actions, clothes that defined who you were and working to only buy what you want and not necessarily what you needed.  Family was a means to shelter and not a means for love and support.  Education was where you excelled but not a place for strengthening your mind but as a place for you to build friendships and relationships that didn’t last.  At the same time, you were strong where no one was able to break you.  You are smart ad honest and had no problem sharing your honesty.  Your biggest advocates, your parents—even though you didn’t realize it at the time, had shaped you to become a woman who is loving, caring, passionate, stronger than ever and resilient in all things.

Because of your strength and resilience you experience the gift of life with grace and the experience of death with insight giving yourself and siblings the power to move forward.

Because of your sincerity you bring to your family the value of honoring one another and accepting others for who they are and not what people think or want them to be.

Because of your passion for life you create an energy that exudes positivity and empowerment.  Your words of courage gives others hope and a viewpoint that allows them to explore opportunities not just options. 

While sometimes you are too hard on yourself, your “can do” attitude keeps you driven.  Furthermore it helps you push people outside of their comfort zone to create a greater understanding and awareness of the unknown and possibilities.

All the bad, horrible, ugly and great, beautiful things that have and will happen in life will only make things more challenging and yet better.  But as always, you are ready for a challenge and ready to fight.  Remember its okay to cry the tears of pain but celebrate the achievements of yourself and others.

As you continue to grow and learn about yourself know that discovery never ends and with all said and done—at the end of the day it’s YOU that makes the difference in who you become.  Learning comes in all shapes and size from old to young and vice versa. If at any time you begin to doubt yourself, feel free to call me to put you in check

Your Older Self, Destiny Xiong.